Updating After a Long Blogging Hiatus

Hello friends,

Sorry i have been so absent. Things have been up and down with me but therapy and medication is helping me. I haven't quit drinking and sometimes i drink too much but I feel like i am better. I am going to start training for a 1/2 marathon, in part, because I know that the training will force me not to drink. If I can focus on a positive goal like that I think the not drinking so much will happen naturally and I wont spend so much time thinking about the booze. Make sense?

I hope you are all well....I am going to visit your blogs and check in on everyone. Thank you for your support and friendship.

Bunny

Checking In

Well its been more than a month since I posted and a lot has happened. Thank you to all of you who have been leaving supportive comments for me. I appreciate it more than you know.

To make a long story short I had a health situation that required that I go to a new doctor and I have really bad anxiety issues when it comes to doctors. Anyway, I wound up having to see a psychiatrist which I had never done before. I have been diagnosed with PSTD and generalized anxiety disorder. I am now on antidepressants, sleeping meds so I can sleep through the night, and I am seeing a therapist. I am feeling hopeful for the first time in ages. Its been a rough time but maybe this is the path I needed to take to get the help that I now see that I need.

WIsh me luck and I embark on this journey with therapy and meds. I will continue to post and to read my favorite sober blogs. Thank you so much for your support and happy holidays.

Bunny

Still Here

Hi there

i am still here. I just haven't been posting much. So many of you guys have told me to go to Al Anon but I just don't want to. So maybe there isn't much else to say. I still struggle and my family is falling apart (drunk dad, drunk brother) but I am hanging in there. I read many of your blogs and continue to be inspired.

Will check back again soon.

Bunny

Fall is Here

Well I haven't posted in a month and now I am back to check in. I have been drinking a lot less and only on weekends. I feel better, I am losing weight, and I sleep better. Still not perfect...I overdo the booze sometimes but at least I dont feel quite so out of control. Of course I should quit completely but that isn't happening.

I have been working like crazy. 14 hour days 6 days a week so that keeps me on the straight and narrow.

Thanks to everyone who checks in on my blog.

One Day at a Time

Thanks to those of you who check in on me. I am doing OK. Backslid a bit this weekend and drank quite a bit so I am hungover today. Staying away from my family and trying to focus on work and on being a good wife to my husband. Taking it one day at a time.

Al Anon and Jackass Fathers

Thanks for all of your comments on the last couple of posts. I went to the Al anon website and checked it out. There is a list of questions on it and I answered "yes" to every single one which, I think, means that I would qualify for Al Anon. They have a book for sale on their website....I think I will buy that first and then decide about meetings. I am just not the kind of person who is comfortable going into a group of strangers and sharing private things. It takes me a long time to trust anyone enough to talk about what I have been through. Anonymous blogging not withstanding.

I got the bill for the limo that I got for my dad last week. $500. I am trying to get an itemized bill out of the limo company because that seems high. I found out that my stupid asshole father took the limo driver to lunch when he picked him up from the hospital and didn't even ask the driver if he was still on duty. Of course he was on duty and I got billed for the hour they were having lunch together. I called my dad to ask him about it and he said "well I just assumed he was off duty". When I told him that I got billed for that time he just said, "that's too bad". Can you even believe that??? He didn't even offer to pay. Oh and in case you were wondering, my dad isn't stupid. The man has an MBA from Wharton and is a CPA. He just doesn't fucking care that he cost me a bunch of money. He doesn't care about me and it has taken me 40 years to really get that.

I am so done with my family. I have one brother who went through rehab (coke, heroin, booze) a few years ago and he is the only one I am going to continue talking to because he is the only one that I think doesn't use me or create problems for me. He completely supports me and thinks its about time I had nothing to do with the family. His description of the situation is that I am Jane Goodall and my family are monkeys and nothing I do will make them act like humans. Insightful. I wish they were monkeys because then at least their behavior would make sense.

Save Yourself Dad

I feel such rage and anger lately and I hate it. It's not making me drink...quite the opposite. Watching my dad continue his long journey to completely destroy himself makes me not want to drink at all. I am just so angry because my dad has been a drunk pretty much my whole life and this last episode has just pushed me to the edge. I have had it. No more saving him from himself. The next time he wants to drunk drive he can just have it. Go to prison. What the fuck do I care?

As a follow up to my last post here is how my dad's hospital visit went:

8:30 am yesterday I get a call from the limo driver that he got my dad from the hotel to the hospital

11:45 am I get a message from my father that went like this, "Hello, its your father. My procedure was canceled because the doctor got called away. Gotta go, my ride is here."

And I haven't heard another word from him.

So this is what I think happened: I think they did a routine blood test when they checked him in for his procedure and realized that he still had alcohol in his system from the most recent drinking binge and then they sent him home because they couldn't anesthetize him. I will never know what happened but I think that makes a lot of sense. Doctor's don't just get "called away" from medical procedures that have been scheduled in advance. Maybe delayed but not canceled. What a complete asshole my dad is.

I am going to send him the enormous bill for that limo service. I know it will be at least $600 and he can fucking pay it...if he had even gotten his medical procedure done I wouldn't be as mad as I am now but what a total jerk.

I am taking a long break from my family. I am tired of being the go-to person to solve all of their stupid and self destructive problems. I can say with all honesty that not one person in my family has problems that they didn't create for themselves.

Depressing

Earlier this evening I got a call from my brother who is a 35 year old unemployed alcoholic who lives about 4 hours from my father and is financially supported by my dad. (That description of my brother doesn't have anything to do with this post but if you read this blog with any frequency I have written about that brother before.) My brother asked me if I knew that my dad was planning on checking into the hospital tonight. I told him that I didn't know that and asked him what was going on. He said that he didn't know but that he had just called my dad, who has been on a bender for about the past month off and on, and that all he could get out of him was that he was driving himself 60 miles to the city to check into the hospital for some kind of procedure that had been scheduled.

I live 8 hours away from my dad so there was no way I could get to his home and intervene in person. He hasn't been drinking and driving for years. I think he finally figured out that he might go to prison for that so now he just stays home when drinking. Anyway, I called my dad to find out what was going on and he said that he had scheduled a procedure to remove some stones from his urethra at the hospital in the morning and that he was planning to drive to the city and check into a hotel tonight and take a cab to the hospital tomorrow. I pointed out that the hospital probably wouldn't let him leave by himself if there was any anesthesia involved. I asked him why his friend Don wasn't taking him like he would normally.

Dad said that Don was out of town and that he had talked to his doctor and the doctor told him that rather than reschedule the procedure they would allow him to take a cab back and forth from the hotel. In any case my dad was slurring his words and could barely form sentences to tell me this. He said that there was no one else to drive him (not true, he has other friends) and so he was planning to drive himself. Needless to say, I was terrified and considered calling the local sheriff (yes, my dad lives in a town so small that the sheriff is on a first name basis with everyone) that he was planning to drive drunk. In the end I found a limo company in the city that would send a driver over tonight to pick him up (no cab service in his town) and get him checked into him into his hotel. The drive rwill also get him to the hospital in the morning and will pick him up from the hospital and get him back to his home tomorrow night.

This is going to cost a fortune and my dad is so angry with me. He agreed to take the car but not until he yelled at me and accused me of trying to control his life. I asked him if he had been drinking and he said no....he never admits his drinking even when he is falling down drunk. He was so irrational and childlike on the phone. I honestly believe that if he had driven himself tonight he would have killed himself or someone else on the way. I remember when I was a little girl he got drunk and hit a little boy with his car in a parking lot. The boy wound up being OK and that was back in the days when he could just buy his way out of trouble but he still lost his license for a year. Thank god he isn't doing that sort of thing anymore...but I sure was worried tonight since his judgment is clearly impaired.

Once I got the car service arranged I called my brother to tell him. He then called my dad to check in with him and make sure he was packing and discovered that my dad had apparently started drinking more. About 15 minutes later my dad called to see if I could have the driver pick him up in the morning and take him to the hospital rather than going to the hotel tonight. I just told him that the driver was already on his way because I figured that he would get hammered and not wake up in the morning. During my brother's conversation with my dad apparently my father told him that he had been diagnosed with prostate cancer 3 1/2 years ago just before my wedding. Since dad was drunk while telling him this story my brother didn't get much more information than that so I wonder if the cancer has come back and if that is really why this "procedure" couldn't be rescheduled?

I never knew my dad had prostate cancer. My dad is so secretive about some stuff. I can't believe he didn't tell us he had cancer. And who knows if it was officially cancer (he never had chemo) or if it was a benign tumor? My brother is kind of an idiot so who knows what's really going on. I hope my dad is OK but I am so tired of being the only grownup in our family. Both of my parents have always been totally selfish, self-indulgent, and have never felt like they had any responsibility to their kids.

When I was about 15 my parents got divorced and my dad moved out and apparently stayed drunk for about the next 6 - 7 years; we saw him occasionally and he was always drunk even when he came to the house to see us. He actually got sober for about 10 years after that before returning to his drunken ways. Anyway, my mom took a job in another state and only came home on the weekends and I took care of my brothers and sisters. I used money I earned as a lifeguard to buy them school clothes. The point is that both of my parents left us instead of sticking around and being responsible. To be fair my mom was working but whenever she came home on the weekends she was so angry and abusive to all of us. It was obvious that she hated her life and resented that she married an alcoholic and got stuck taking care of us. But I digress....this post is about my dad and how depressing it is to watch someone pretty much spend their whole life killing themselves.

When my dad was 30 years old apparently doctors told him that if he kept drinking so much he would die. He is 69 years old now and it is so stressful and exhausting to constantly worry about him. I am so tired of being worried about him. I can't even remember how many times that either my brother or I (2 of my siblings moved 2,000 miles away and don't worry about him much at all) have had to get to my dad's house to sober him up after a long bender because we were worried that he was going to die. I don't know if this is enabling him or not. Tonight I felt like if I didn't get him a car service that he would kill himself or someone else and I couldn't live with that.

My dad has friends and they all know he is an alcoholic even though he lies about it. None of his friends drink and my dad only drinks alone in his home. His friends check on him and make sure he is OK even when he gets nasty to them when he is drunk - he is so lucky to have friends that care so much. I don't think I have any friends that would keep trying to save me if I had been a drunk for 40 years. He has his own business and manages to more or less get his work done and make a good living. He is a really really smart guy and is very talented at what he does so I think people cut him a lot of slack. Sometimes I don't understand why people still do business with him but he is so good at what he does and he is very well liked so they just deal with delays when he is on a bender.

My dad just called me from the limo using the limo driver's cell phone because he forgot his at home. That is just a sign of how drunk he is. He never leaves home without his cell phone. At least he isn't driving. I don't even know if his doctor will do the procedure on him in the morning if he is still drunk. I wonder if they will test his blood alcohol content before they give him any anesthetic?

Getting Better

Thanks to all of my blogger friends who continue to leave supportive comments. I have been so so buys with work lately. I don't have either the time or desire to drink. I am just trying to get enough sleep and exercise. I think that a big trigger for over-drinking for me is boredom. When I feel bored I don't feel like feel like I have as much of a purpose and I think I really need that.

Dear "Patrick": Go Fuck Yourself You Crazy Piece of Shit

Someone named Patrick decided to write delusional and nonsensical comments on my blog. He rants against AA even though I am not even in AA. It is clear to me that Patrick is a troubled individual with too much time on his hands and not enough adult supervision in his life.

If you want to visit his lunatic blog here is the address: http://micky-clontarf.blogspot.com/

Patrick wrote all 17 of his comments on my last blog post within about a minute of each other today which leads me to believe that he (a) is an unemployed loser, (b) has an IQ that ranges somewhere between a person with downs syndrome and a meth addict, and (c) is just angry because he has never been laid.

I may delete his comments or maybe I will leave them up...not sure yet. Perhaps I should save them as evidence of his mindset that I can turn over to the police when he embarks upon his inevitable killing spree. Patrick, a real man wouldn't spend hours typing "HA HA" over and over again in the comments section of a blog. You are a fool and are not a Christian. You are just a pathetic troubled moron. Now I will let you get back to surfing the net for kiddie porn or whatever it is you do for the rest of your sad and lonely day. Idiot.