Thank you to all of you who have been commenting on my blog. Some of you are convinced that I cannot do this without AA which I find interesting. I have no problem with AA - I think it is a great program that has helped a lot of people. But I don't think anyone looks forward to the prospect of joining AA -- I know I don't. I don't want to be so out of control that I have to get help from a bunch of strangers. If I need to get help from AA I certainly will but I don't think I am at that point. I feel like I am controlling my drinking a lot better than I was before and I am trying to re-discover some old interests of mine (running) that by their very nature require that I stay away from booze. I don't want to have to live a life of total abstinence if I don't absolutely have to.
I hope I can keep myself on track and I have to say that reading my favorite sober blogs and engaging in dialog with those of you who leave me comments is really helpful. I have learned a lot about alcoholism and I appreciate your help. Thank you. I am very grateful for your input.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Getting Better
Thank you to everyone who has visited my blog and has left supportive comments. I really appreciate it. It means more to me than you can possibly know. I was really struggling there for awhile but I am getting better. I know a lot of people feel that going to AA meetings are the only way to kick the alcohol habit but I am not doing that. I am forcing myself to quit drinking during the week (successfully) and only drinking on Friday and Saturday nights. In other words I am returning to my previously more disciplined life. I am finding that I drink less on the weekends and not at all during the week. What I am doing may not be the best way to go about things but its what is working for me right now. I think in a month or so I will try to go a full 30 days with no booze at all.
I think what sort of has scared me straight is my family. Not that anyone has told me to quit drinking...its not that. It's that my father, a raging alcoholic for my entire life (I am 40), and my brother who is 35 years old have been going on ridiculous drinking binges and seeing their behavior has made me resolve to never ever let myself get that way. My brother drunk dialed me several times early in the morning after an all night binge (he didn't even remember the next day) and my dad stayed on a binge for about a week recently. Seeing the way they are living has just scared me. I don't want to be like them...the walking dead basically. In their own ways they have both given up on life and they are quite co-dependent on each other I think. It just makes me sad. I want to be there for my husband and never ever force him to see me lose complete control that way.
I will try to blog more and visit my favorite sober bloggers sites as well. I have been trying to stay really busy so that I am not tempted by the booze as much and that has kept me from blogging as much.
I think what sort of has scared me straight is my family. Not that anyone has told me to quit drinking...its not that. It's that my father, a raging alcoholic for my entire life (I am 40), and my brother who is 35 years old have been going on ridiculous drinking binges and seeing their behavior has made me resolve to never ever let myself get that way. My brother drunk dialed me several times early in the morning after an all night binge (he didn't even remember the next day) and my dad stayed on a binge for about a week recently. Seeing the way they are living has just scared me. I don't want to be like them...the walking dead basically. In their own ways they have both given up on life and they are quite co-dependent on each other I think. It just makes me sad. I want to be there for my husband and never ever force him to see me lose complete control that way.
I will try to blog more and visit my favorite sober bloggers sites as well. I have been trying to stay really busy so that I am not tempted by the booze as much and that has kept me from blogging as much.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Pain
I haven't posted for a couple of weeks. The first week was because I was not drinking and I traveled one state over to visit my dad for a few days. Then my husband, my father, and I took a 5 day trip to Seattle. I told myself I wasn't going to drink while I was there. But I did. At every meal. I slept fine and handled the alcohol OK while on the trip so it wasn't a problem when I was there. But we got home on Sunday night and I drank a little too much. And then I did the same thing last night. And now I am depressed and feeling like a loser. It doesn't help that before we left on this trip I lost my temper with one of the schedulers at my dog groomer and now that I have returned they have informed me that they won't groom my dogs anymore because I snapped at the scheduler. I am trying to come up with some kind of story and an apology so I can get the dogs in there again. But the combination of completely falling off the wagon (not that I was 100% on it anyway) and feeling like a jerk just makes me hate myself so much. I am really unhappy right now and its all my own fault. I really wish I were a completely different person - you know one of those people who never pisses anyone off. I hope I can pull it together.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Sober But Feeling Weird
I drank a little bit over the weekend but very much in moderation. No booze since Saturday and I am the better for it of course. I have been sleeping pretty well except last night we had a huge storm which kept the dogs and my husband awake so I woke up intermittently. When I got up this morning I felt tired and thought I had a hangover...it took me a little while to remember that I didn't drink anything and, therefore, couldn't have a hangover.
For the last couple of mornings I have had that feeling. If it takes me awhile to wake up I think to myself, "well I will drink an extra diet coke and have some aspirin." But once my usual dosage of caffeine kicks in and I start feeling normal I realize that I don't have a hangover. It's kind of weird. It reminds me of stories I hear about amputees who still feel the missing limb even after its gone. I still feel my hangover even though its not there. Kind of bizarre, huh?
I have been having great workouts this week. I am too fat and out of shape but I am starting to get that old motivated feeling. The kind of resolve I had almost forgotten. Hope I can hold on to it.
For the last couple of mornings I have had that feeling. If it takes me awhile to wake up I think to myself, "well I will drink an extra diet coke and have some aspirin." But once my usual dosage of caffeine kicks in and I start feeling normal I realize that I don't have a hangover. It's kind of weird. It reminds me of stories I hear about amputees who still feel the missing limb even after its gone. I still feel my hangover even though its not there. Kind of bizarre, huh?
I have been having great workouts this week. I am too fat and out of shape but I am starting to get that old motivated feeling. The kind of resolve I had almost forgotten. Hope I can hold on to it.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Feeling Better
Thanks to Ann, Molly, and Beth for your comments yesterday. You really made me feel better. And, yes, it is insanity to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. That is right.
With no booze in my system I was feeling much better and hyper productive today. My husband isn't home until Thursday and when he is not home I take advantage of the situation and do the kind of heavy cleaning and reorganizing that is easier to do alone and without commentary of others. I am really enjoying the peace and quiet of being alone in my house. When my husband is around 24-7 it really is too much togetherness. I like the silence and not having to constantly answer silly questions like, "what are you doing?" or, "Hi honey I see you are petting the cat". Silly commentary that people think they have to engage in sometimes rather than just not speaking at all.
I worked out today and look forward to a hopefully great workout tomorrow. Busy day tomorrow...some writing I have been putting off plus lunch with one friend and dinner with another. Should keep me busy and out of trouble (booze-trouble that is).
Thank you all so much for your friendship, support, and kind comments. It is so helpful to me...more than I would have thought it would be. I tend to be the kind of person who deals with touchy personal issues on her own. I am a big believer in self discipline and the power of mind over matter and this alcohol issue is so hard for me because basically I think that I have been displaying a disturbing lack of self-discipline which makes me so angry with myself. So, your supportive comments are helpful and its also constructive to hear how some of you have felt when you did some of the same things I have found myself doing like drinking too much and being hungover and unhappy. Your kindness is appreciated my friends.
With no booze in my system I was feeling much better and hyper productive today. My husband isn't home until Thursday and when he is not home I take advantage of the situation and do the kind of heavy cleaning and reorganizing that is easier to do alone and without commentary of others. I am really enjoying the peace and quiet of being alone in my house. When my husband is around 24-7 it really is too much togetherness. I like the silence and not having to constantly answer silly questions like, "what are you doing?" or, "Hi honey I see you are petting the cat". Silly commentary that people think they have to engage in sometimes rather than just not speaking at all.
I worked out today and look forward to a hopefully great workout tomorrow. Busy day tomorrow...some writing I have been putting off plus lunch with one friend and dinner with another. Should keep me busy and out of trouble (booze-trouble that is).
Thank you all so much for your friendship, support, and kind comments. It is so helpful to me...more than I would have thought it would be. I tend to be the kind of person who deals with touchy personal issues on her own. I am a big believer in self discipline and the power of mind over matter and this alcohol issue is so hard for me because basically I think that I have been displaying a disturbing lack of self-discipline which makes me so angry with myself. So, your supportive comments are helpful and its also constructive to hear how some of you have felt when you did some of the same things I have found myself doing like drinking too much and being hungover and unhappy. Your kindness is appreciated my friends.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Backslide
I am extremely hungover and disappointed in myself. Again. I had been doing pretty well and then this weekend I drank each day and was hungover on Sunday. Which I dealt with by drinking more and it just got out of hand last night. I drank tons and was drunker than I have been in a very long time. Needless to say that today has been a complete waste and I am so angry at myself.
I have started feeling like such a failure. I feel that I have made some bad decisions professionally and that I am not as successful as I want to be. Also many of my bad decisions have been preceded by bad reactions to problems and challenges in the workplace. I just feel like such a failure as a person sometimes. I look at my friends from college and so many of them are millionaires and have powerful jobs and I have just not achieved at the same level and I feel like such a loser. I am sure that all of my feelings are exacerbated today by my hangover and the fact that I have had booze in my system over the past several days. I hope I feel better by the weekend as long as I stay away from the booze this week.
I have started feeling like such a failure. I feel that I have made some bad decisions professionally and that I am not as successful as I want to be. Also many of my bad decisions have been preceded by bad reactions to problems and challenges in the workplace. I just feel like such a failure as a person sometimes. I look at my friends from college and so many of them are millionaires and have powerful jobs and I have just not achieved at the same level and I feel like such a loser. I am sure that all of my feelings are exacerbated today by my hangover and the fact that I have had booze in my system over the past several days. I hope I feel better by the weekend as long as I stay away from the booze this week.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Another Day in Paradise
Well it's Thursday and I have been pretty good this week. Had a cocktail on Monday night because I got very stressed out but I stopped at 2 and slept Ok so I am not too mad at myself. No booze since then although I am seriously considering a martini tonight and I am not sure why. I am just craving it; I am not in a bad mood or anything though. We are going to a dinner party tomorrow night and while I am sure I will have a little wine with dinner I am not worried since drinking in public isn't my problem. It's too much booze at home that gets me.
My husband is traveling for work next week which is good. All of his working at home really gets on my nerves just because it means we are literally in the house together 24 hours a day. I could use a little space now and again. When he is gone I tend not to drink - I think the fact that he drinks every night is a bit of an influence on me When I see him having a drink I guess it makes it seem ok for me to have one too. Probably everyone feels the same.
I still go through phases of being upset about the rift with my sister. It sneaks up on me sometimes which makes me sad. Sometimes I just feel so broken. Like there is something wrong with me because of all the garbage I have been through in my life - especially childhood. Don't get me wrong; I am responsible for all of my decisions. But inside I know that my reactions to things are sometimes not the same as other people's. At least the way I see other people react to stress or frustrations. I just lock down and go into panic/protect myself mode so quickly. I think if you have an abusive childhood that you are like a house with a faulty foundation that could fall down at any time even though it looks OK from the outside. A lot of people would say that therapy is the answer here but based on what I have seen other people go through in the process of therapy I am not sure I want to spend several years in an overtly unhappy state.
So I guess for now I will blog and read your blogs and try to learn from the way other people react to things so that I can try to at least do a better job of controlling my outward reactions even if the inward ones don't really change.
My husband is traveling for work next week which is good. All of his working at home really gets on my nerves just because it means we are literally in the house together 24 hours a day. I could use a little space now and again. When he is gone I tend not to drink - I think the fact that he drinks every night is a bit of an influence on me When I see him having a drink I guess it makes it seem ok for me to have one too. Probably everyone feels the same.
I still go through phases of being upset about the rift with my sister. It sneaks up on me sometimes which makes me sad. Sometimes I just feel so broken. Like there is something wrong with me because of all the garbage I have been through in my life - especially childhood. Don't get me wrong; I am responsible for all of my decisions. But inside I know that my reactions to things are sometimes not the same as other people's. At least the way I see other people react to stress or frustrations. I just lock down and go into panic/protect myself mode so quickly. I think if you have an abusive childhood that you are like a house with a faulty foundation that could fall down at any time even though it looks OK from the outside. A lot of people would say that therapy is the answer here but based on what I have seen other people go through in the process of therapy I am not sure I want to spend several years in an overtly unhappy state.
So I guess for now I will blog and read your blogs and try to learn from the way other people react to things so that I can try to at least do a better job of controlling my outward reactions even if the inward ones don't really change.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Deleted the last post
I deleted my last post because it occurred to me (I am being over careful here) that someone who knows me could potentially identify me because of my pet photos. Highly unlikely but since I want to remain anonymous I took the post and photos down just to be safe. I think all my blogger friends saw the photos of my babies anyway.
Things are good. Drank very little over the weekend which is a huge change for me and a step in the right direction. The week is busy so far and the busier I am the less I drink so wish me luck as I try not to drink at all this week!
Things are good. Drank very little over the weekend which is a huge change for me and a step in the right direction. The week is busy so far and the busier I am the less I drink so wish me luck as I try not to drink at all this week!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Napa Was Good
Well the trip went fine. We arrived, exhausted, on Thursday night. It's a very long trip to Napa from our home. I crawled into bed and went to sleep. My husband drank a little wine to kick off the trip but I didn't cave and have any. The next day we drove around to wineries and I did a little tasting but didn't overdo it. Unfortunately on Friday night we got some wine and room service and I had too much to drink so I didn't sleep well. I was so mad at myself. A little confused too because I tried so hard to pace myself.
Saturday and Sunday were much better. I started just sharing my husband's tasting flights and I didn't get drunk at all. On Sunday some friends of ours drove up from San Francisco to go to April in Carneros with us -- we must have visited 10 wineries. I got to where I didn't even taste all the wines and I was so proud of myself. I was even the designated driver on Saturday night when we drove about 30 miles to dinner. The meal was totally overrated but I was proud that I could say no to booze for a night!
My husband bought about 4 cases of wine and I have to say I am disappointed that he did so because it's getting easier for me to say no to wine because it messes me up so much. I still crave vodka but the wine is a quick high that ruins the next day or so for me because I can't sleep when I drink it so I just don't really want any.
I notice that Ann and Any Beth have posted pictures of their cats. I will post photos of my babies later today...your cats are so cute and now I want you to see mine!
Thanks for your support and encouragement - it really means so much to me.
Saturday and Sunday were much better. I started just sharing my husband's tasting flights and I didn't get drunk at all. On Sunday some friends of ours drove up from San Francisco to go to April in Carneros with us -- we must have visited 10 wineries. I got to where I didn't even taste all the wines and I was so proud of myself. I was even the designated driver on Saturday night when we drove about 30 miles to dinner. The meal was totally overrated but I was proud that I could say no to booze for a night!
My husband bought about 4 cases of wine and I have to say I am disappointed that he did so because it's getting easier for me to say no to wine because it messes me up so much. I still crave vodka but the wine is a quick high that ruins the next day or so for me because I can't sleep when I drink it so I just don't really want any.
I notice that Ann and Any Beth have posted pictures of their cats. I will post photos of my babies later today...your cats are so cute and now I want you to see mine!
Thanks for your support and encouragement - it really means so much to me.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Napa or Bust
So today is the day that my husband and I head to Napa, California to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I am very nervous. I have managed not to drink all week and I am going to try not to drink anything when we arrive this evening. But we have 3 days of wine tastings planned and I am so nervous about drinking too much which will, in turn, ruin my chances of sleeping well and make me irritable and anxious. One good thing is that each day during our trip we have lunches or get-togethers planned with family or friends. That gives me an incentive to not drink anything at least until after we see our friends/family.
I don't really enjoy travel much anymore...the airports are nightmares and you never know if you will even get to your destination anymore. When I was in my 20s I was fortunate to be able to travel all around the world so I guess I kind of feel like I have done it and I would rather wait until travel is safer and easier. I am keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well during our travels and that our trip is relatively stress free.
I want to make sure that my husband has a good time...I am trying to keep my worries under control because he is so excited about this vacation. And if anyone deserves a great vacation it's my husband because he is a wonderful sweet person. So, wish us luck this weekend.
I don't really enjoy travel much anymore...the airports are nightmares and you never know if you will even get to your destination anymore. When I was in my 20s I was fortunate to be able to travel all around the world so I guess I kind of feel like I have done it and I would rather wait until travel is safer and easier. I am keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well during our travels and that our trip is relatively stress free.
I want to make sure that my husband has a good time...I am trying to keep my worries under control because he is so excited about this vacation. And if anyone deserves a great vacation it's my husband because he is a wonderful sweet person. So, wish us luck this weekend.
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