Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Sober But Feeling Weird

I drank a little bit over the weekend but very much in moderation. No booze since Saturday and I am the better for it of course. I have been sleeping pretty well except last night we had a huge storm which kept the dogs and my husband awake so I woke up intermittently. When I got up this morning I felt tired and thought I had a hangover...it took me a little while to remember that I didn't drink anything and, therefore, couldn't have a hangover.

For the last couple of mornings I have had that feeling. If it takes me awhile to wake up I think to myself, "well I will drink an extra diet coke and have some aspirin." But once my usual dosage of caffeine kicks in and I start feeling normal I realize that I don't have a hangover. It's kind of weird. It reminds me of stories I hear about amputees who still feel the missing limb even after its gone. I still feel my hangover even though its not there. Kind of bizarre, huh?

I have been having great workouts this week. I am too fat and out of shape but I am starting to get that old motivated feeling. The kind of resolve I had almost forgotten. Hope I can hold on to it.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Feeling Better

Thanks to Ann, Molly, and Beth for your comments yesterday. You really made me feel better. And, yes, it is insanity to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. That is right.

With no booze in my system I was feeling much better and hyper productive today. My husband isn't home until Thursday and when he is not home I take advantage of the situation and do the kind of heavy cleaning and reorganizing that is easier to do alone and without commentary of others. I am really enjoying the peace and quiet of being alone in my house. When my husband is around 24-7 it really is too much togetherness. I like the silence and not having to constantly answer silly questions like, "what are you doing?" or, "Hi honey I see you are petting the cat". Silly commentary that people think they have to engage in sometimes rather than just not speaking at all.

I worked out today and look forward to a hopefully great workout tomorrow. Busy day tomorrow...some writing I have been putting off plus lunch with one friend and dinner with another. Should keep me busy and out of trouble (booze-trouble that is).

Thank you all so much for your friendship, support, and kind comments. It is so helpful to me...more than I would have thought it would be. I tend to be the kind of person who deals with touchy personal issues on her own. I am a big believer in self discipline and the power of mind over matter and this alcohol issue is so hard for me because basically I think that I have been displaying a disturbing lack of self-discipline which makes me so angry with myself. So, your supportive comments are helpful and its also constructive to hear how some of you have felt when you did some of the same things I have found myself doing like drinking too much and being hungover and unhappy. Your kindness is appreciated my friends.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Backslide

I am extremely hungover and disappointed in myself. Again. I had been doing pretty well and then this weekend I drank each day and was hungover on Sunday. Which I dealt with by drinking more and it just got out of hand last night. I drank tons and was drunker than I have been in a very long time. Needless to say that today has been a complete waste and I am so angry at myself.

I have started feeling like such a failure. I feel that I have made some bad decisions professionally and that I am not as successful as I want to be. Also many of my bad decisions have been preceded by bad reactions to problems and challenges in the workplace. I just feel like such a failure as a person sometimes. I look at my friends from college and so many of them are millionaires and have powerful jobs and I have just not achieved at the same level and I feel like such a loser. I am sure that all of my feelings are exacerbated today by my hangover and the fact that I have had booze in my system over the past several days. I hope I feel better by the weekend as long as I stay away from the booze this week.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Another Day in Paradise

Well it's Thursday and I have been pretty good this week. Had a cocktail on Monday night because I got very stressed out but I stopped at 2 and slept Ok so I am not too mad at myself. No booze since then although I am seriously considering a martini tonight and I am not sure why. I am just craving it; I am not in a bad mood or anything though. We are going to a dinner party tomorrow night and while I am sure I will have a little wine with dinner I am not worried since drinking in public isn't my problem. It's too much booze at home that gets me.

My husband is traveling for work next week which is good. All of his working at home really gets on my nerves just because it means we are literally in the house together 24 hours a day. I could use a little space now and again. When he is gone I tend not to drink - I think the fact that he drinks every night is a bit of an influence on me When I see him having a drink I guess it makes it seem ok for me to have one too. Probably everyone feels the same.

I still go through phases of being upset about the rift with my sister. It sneaks up on me sometimes which makes me sad. Sometimes I just feel so broken. Like there is something wrong with me because of all the garbage I have been through in my life - especially childhood. Don't get me wrong; I am responsible for all of my decisions. But inside I know that my reactions to things are sometimes not the same as other people's. At least the way I see other people react to stress or frustrations. I just lock down and go into panic/protect myself mode so quickly. I think if you have an abusive childhood that you are like a house with a faulty foundation that could fall down at any time even though it looks OK from the outside. A lot of people would say that therapy is the answer here but based on what I have seen other people go through in the process of therapy I am not sure I want to spend several years in an overtly unhappy state.

So I guess for now I will blog and read your blogs and try to learn from the way other people react to things so that I can try to at least do a better job of controlling my outward reactions even if the inward ones don't really change.