Well it's Thursday and I have been pretty good this week. Had a cocktail on Monday night because I got very stressed out but I stopped at 2 and slept Ok so I am not too mad at myself. No booze since then although I am seriously considering a martini tonight and I am not sure why. I am just craving it; I am not in a bad mood or anything though. We are going to a dinner party tomorrow night and while I am sure I will have a little wine with dinner I am not worried since drinking in public isn't my problem. It's too much booze at home that gets me.
My husband is traveling for work next week which is good. All of his working at home really gets on my nerves just because it means we are literally in the house together 24 hours a day. I could use a little space now and again. When he is gone I tend not to drink - I think the fact that he drinks every night is a bit of an influence on me When I see him having a drink I guess it makes it seem ok for me to have one too. Probably everyone feels the same.
I still go through phases of being upset about the rift with my sister. It sneaks up on me sometimes which makes me sad. Sometimes I just feel so broken. Like there is something wrong with me because of all the garbage I have been through in my life - especially childhood. Don't get me wrong; I am responsible for all of my decisions. But inside I know that my reactions to things are sometimes not the same as other people's. At least the way I see other people react to stress or frustrations. I just lock down and go into panic/protect myself mode so quickly. I think if you have an abusive childhood that you are like a house with a faulty foundation that could fall down at any time even though it looks OK from the outside. A lot of people would say that therapy is the answer here but based on what I have seen other people go through in the process of therapy I am not sure I want to spend several years in an overtly unhappy state.
So I guess for now I will blog and read your blogs and try to learn from the way other people react to things so that I can try to at least do a better job of controlling my outward reactions even if the inward ones don't really change.
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2 comments:
I'm sorry about the rift with your sister. Give yourself time to work through it, don't beat yourself up for being you.
Just a thought - I spent years in therapy dealing with crappy childhood things. And yes, it did take me forever to work through most of it, but considering I was abusing drugs, alcohol, sex, and was pretty much suicidal all the time - I was going to be bummed out either way. Does that make sense? I don't think I knew what I was getting into when I started therapy - and maybe I wouldn't have gone for it if I did. However, now being on the metaphorical "other" side I find emotionally I am so much happier for having gotten rid of that crap. Yeah, it is hard and depressing but if you stick with it it can be worth it. Not that I don't still get very depressed, but far less often. Just a thought based on my experience.
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