Monday and No Drinks

Ann and AnyBeth- thanks again for your sweet and supportive comments. It means so much to me. I drank yesterday. I think i really need to avoid rehashing childhood memories. I got so depressed after I wrote in my blog. Actually, the writing part was therapeutic but afterwards I was bummed. And then I drank which led to a poor nights sleep and a less than productive day. But, no drinks tonight and I did work out today so I am sure that tomorrow will be a better day.

Thanks so much for your support. I love being able to reach out via blog because it makes me feel anonymous which, in turn, makes me feel safe. I don't ever want to be known as damaged goods or have people associate my face with tragedy, child abuse, sexual abuse or anything like that. There is an older woman I know (70s) who went through unspeakable sexual abuse as a child...I mean she seriously has the worst stories I have ever heard. You know how I know? Because she recently wrote and self-published a book detailing her childhood. She says the book is supposed to be sort of a roadmap to healing but I don't think that is really what she created. It's just 200 pages of stories about how her dad used to make her stay in a public restroom and guys would pay him to have sex with her. She was about 6 at the time and its just the saddest thing I have ever heard.

This poor woman has spent much of her life in and out of mental hospitals getting all kinds of awful treatments including shock therapy and its all in the book. She is part of a women's social group that I am part of so when she started selling her book I bought a copy to be supportive. I read it and I cried and cried...it was just beyond depressing. I really respect her for overcoming her past but the problem is that when I look at her I recall many of the horrific details in her book. That is pretty much all I think of when I see her although I am sure she has many other wonderful qualities that she would rather be known for. But that's what happens when you tell people the things you have been through - they identify you that way.

I don't want to be that person...the person who is known for a tragic past. I have worked too hard to accomplish other things that define me more than a sad childhood including earning an undergrad degree and MBA from a top-5 school, a great career, a great husband, and wonderful friends. That is why I like being able to blog about what I am going through and find support on the internet - it allows me to be anonymous while sharing with others.