First of all, thanks to Ann and AnyBeth for checking in on me over the past couple of weeks. I really appreciate it. I stayed sober for a whole week and then we had a dinner party. I had a little wine with dinner and after the guests left I drank too much vodka while watching a late night movie. Bad move. Recently a friend of mine died after a 2 year battle with cancer. She was only 32 and its just been so sad for so many of us. It hasn't made me drink but it has made me sad and a little down. I have been drinking some but not to excess.
I drank a few cocktails last night and didn't sleep very well which sucks. I have been really cutting back because I have been so busy with work including some public speaking engagements. Nothing keeps me sober like having to speak in public...the last thing I want to do is babble like a fool because my brain feels like mush and I can't find the words to say what I want.
Ann wrote a post yesterday that just broke my heart. She talks about the difficulty she is having, now that she has tried to cut back on drinking, with dealing with overcoming some traumatic incidents from her past. That can be so tough. I have never told my husband about the horrible things that happened to me when I was a teenager. He knows about my parents abusive and alcoholic household but that is only part of the story. My father used to climb in my bed late at night and touch me when I was about 13. He finally stopped when my mom caught him but he has always looked at me inappropriately and he used to say really inappropriate and uncomfortable things to me about my body when I was in my late teens and early 20s. I always made sure to wear extra clothes and cover up when I was around him so he couldn't see much of my body.
Now my father is almost 70 years old and he doesn't do that anymore but its always been something I can't forget or really get over. I can't stand for even my husband to touch me in certain ways because it reminds me of what my dad used to do to me. I have only told one person in the world about what my dad used to do to me -- it was an old boyfriend and he just couldn't handle it. I haven't told my husband because he adores my dad and I don't want to take that away from him. I have always tried to make sure that no one could ever guess as I, too, am close to my dad but deep inside I still cant understand why he would do that to me and I feel confused about why I can't hate him.
Also when I was 17 and a virgin I was gang raped by two guys on our high school football team. I tried to just put that behind me and forget about it. I had told my "best friend" in high school who turned around and told everyone in our 400 person high school that I was a slut who had sex with 2 guys at once. That was my senior year of high school and since I lived in the Bible Belt I spent the last semester of high school and the summer afterward as a pariah. No one would talk to me because I was a slut. Suddenly guys came on to me in the most disrespectful ways and it was so hurtful. Bear in mind that prior to that incident I never really went to parties because I was home taking care of 4 younger brothers and sisters and I was considered a "good" girl. I couldn't believe that all of the sudden everyone would just turn on me and believe a rumor. No one even took me to my senior prom because of the slut label. I left that little town and moved 1,000 miles away to go to college to try to run from that. In a way that was more painful than what my dad used to do to me because at least no one knows what my dad did so they can't judge me.
After I had been out of high school for nearly 15 years I would occasionally get a phone call or random email from someone from my class who would say, "you know I have been thinking about what happened to you...I am sorry I wasn't there for you". But those calls just piss me off. I have put it behind me so when someone calls me because they feel bad about the way they treated me many years ago they are doing so to make themselves feel better. The call isn't about helping me because if it was they would just stay away and not remind me of that awful time. Plus, as far as I am concerned all those people who were so mean to me and the 2 guys who raped me can rot in hell. I am not very forgiving as you can see.
The girl who was my supposed best friend in high school tracked me down a year ago and sent me an apologetic email for what she had done. Made excuses about how she didn't really understand that I was hurting and a lot of other crap. I told her that she betrayed me and that to this day I have never nor will I ever go back to that town because of what happened. She sent me this bizarre email which just made me think she was unbalanced so I didn't reply. It was so upsetting to just be minding my own business and to receive an email that reminded of me of one of the worst times in my life.
I don't know why I just typed all that. Maybe its to let Ann know that whatever happened to her, she isn't alone.
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Bunny, I am so sorry to hear of your experiences. You didn't deserve any of that. When I talked to my marraige counselor about some of the stuff from my past, she said what really struck her was how alone I was in dealing with everything. It sounds like you have been very alone too. I can understand your confusion in regards to your feelings for your father, though my father did not sexually abuse me, I can totally understand how confused you did and still do feel. He was supposed to be your protector, your home should have been safe. No father should ever touch a child inappropriately. In my searches the other night I came across many women that had been sexually abused by their fathers. I never would have imagined that it was so common.
My experiences in high school were very similar to what happened to you.
Many of the women on the boards and blogs that I perused recommended the book The Courage to Heal. I have only just began reading it, so I cannot personally recommend it, but you may want to check it out.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Maybe we can support each other through some healing. We deserve a shot at life after healing. We have both put it off long enough. (((hugs))) sister.
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