Sunday and All is Well

First of all I have to say to Ann...I miss you. I understand why you aren't blogging now but I miss you because I felt that you and I are really going through some of the same things and you have been a great source of comfort and support to me. Please check in frequently and leave me comments about how you are. Or if you prefer you can email me directly...my screen name @gmail.com

Friday I drank at the rodeo and then a bit more at home. On Saturday, yesterday, I was hungover, irritable, and generally miserable. Went to the rodeo finals last night but I had such a headache that we left before the concert following the events. I came home, took a bath, and resolved (again) to try to live better. Didn't drink today and I feel good. My husband is drinking wine this evening and I am not having any. I have got to use self control more. It's so hard sometimes. I ran out of vodka and was going to just not buy more but my sweet husband, not knowing that I am trying to cut back I guess bought me two huge bottles. I just have to stay away from them.

I have to keep my head about me because I have a lot of clients right now and I really really want to write a book this year. I have been talking about it and I think I have a possible publisher if I can get my act together.

Also, on a totally unrelated topic, I am having such a hard time dealing with rage at my sister. If you visit this blog with any frequency you know that I had a troubled childhood. My youngest sister is 13 years younger than me. I was 17 and she was nearly 5 when I left for college. I thought a lot about whether or not to sever all ties with my family when I left because my childhood was so painful for me. But, I thought it over and decided that I didn't want to be like everyone else...I had always felt that there was no one in my corner and that there was no one to protect me and my siblings. So, I decided not to cut off all contact and to try to do whatever I could to support my siblings and hopefully "fix" my family so that one day things could be normal.

Over the years as my sister got older I did what I could and in the best way I knew how to show her that I cared about her. I attended her high school graduation, I went with her when she started college, I went to her college graduation. I took her on vacations and flew her to Chicago to spend time with me over holidays and sometimes for a week or so...all expenses paid. I took her shopping, bought her gifts, and tried to show her a good time. I thought she loved me. Often my dad would ask me to support him and talk to her about things like graduate school, grades or whatever. In short, my relationship with her was always more like a mother than a sister.

I know there have been times when I have been more stern with my sister than she would like. I have always thought that she tends to give up on goals too quickly and that she makes excuses for giving up or failing rather than just owning her mistakes.

For example, when she went to college she said she wanted to go to medical school. She majored in biology and supposedly worked toward getting into med school until her senior year. Then, all of the sudden it turned out that her grades weren't good enough for medical school. Instead of just saying, "hey, I didn't work hard enough so I'll find something else to do" she all of the sudden says that she has ADD (she never had it before) and so that is why she can't get into medical school. She didn't even go through career and placement services to get a job. She graduated with out a job and wound up working as a temp and sponging off my dad. No big deal but of course I talked to her about this because that kind of behavior won't help her in the real world. I have always tried to be gentle and diplomatic with her but it seems she doesn't see it that way. She tells people that I am "harsh and unyielding".

My sister is very bad with money and I have tried to help her there too by lending her money, and later, when I figured out that she might be taking advantage of me, by trying to help her learn personal finance. I have truly done the best I could do and have always wanted the best for her. I envisioned her as my maid of honor and us as the best of friends. When I got married 3 years ago I asked her to be my maid of honor. At first she said yes but then, in response to an email I sent her chastising her for borrowing more money from my dad, she sent me the nastiest and craziest email I have ever received. I called it her "manifesto"...she made all kind of bizarre accusations that included the fact that she thinks that my dad and I make fun of her behind her back which we don't. So, I asked her not to be in the wedding party. She seemed OK with that and did a reading instead.

It came to my attention during the Christmas of 2006 that my sister hates my guts. I never knew that before. She came to my home to have Christmas with my dad and my husband and me.; she lives in another state so she flew here and stayed in my home for a week. She says she has all kinds of food allergies...I am sure some of them are true but there are varying degrees of allergic reaction and I am not sure her allergies are as bad as she says...nevertheless my husband prepared all kinds of meals that she could eat even though that meant adjusting his menus and extra work.

We bought my sister hundreds of dollars worth of gifts that she chose and put on wish lists. We showed her every kindness and tried to be good to her. After I returned from taking her to the airport my husband told me that he had looked at her MySpace page. She had written the most awful things about me on her blog. Prior to coming to visit us she ranted about how she didn't want to come for Christmas and called me "inscrutable and rude". While staying in my home and availing herself of our hospitality she updated her MySpace page to say that I yelled and cursed at her which was completely untrue. I cried and cried. Then I cut and pasted from her blog and sent her an email that said I couldn't believe she would say these things to me and that she should get a diary like a normal person. I also copied my dad on the email. I haven't spoken to her since.

I have since found out that she tells people the most awful and untrue things about me. I should also add that my brothers refuse to speak to her or be around her. She told me that after I left home for college that the two of them used to physically abuse her. She told me that one of my brothers tried to rape her. I figured that she was exaggerating but that she may have gotten caught in some crossfire between my brothers because I know that after I left they fought some as teenagers. Now that I see what a liar she is I no longer believe anything she has said.

But I feel so betrayed. I have spoken with my father about this and he says that he thinks she conned me and used me. I think so too. I am in so much pain and I just hate her now. I loved her so much and thought about her all the time. If I found a cute pair of shoes for myself I would often buy and send her a pair too. I sent her care packages in college. I found the best florists and bakers in the city that she lives in and sent her cakes and flowers for birthdays. I am not perfect but I was never unkind to her. I don't understand.

The weird thing to me about her is that she seems to synthesize information and situations very differently than I do. I mean I don't yell and curse at her. In her blog she claims that she has to walk on eggshells around me because she never knows when I am going to start screaming and cursing. That has never happened. I wonder if in her mind, when I disagree with her if that counts as "screaming"? I certainly curse sometimes too but never at her so maybe I cursed once and that is part of the "screaming and cursing" she claims that I do. I just don't know. This makes no sense to me.

The worst part of this, for me, is that deep inside I wonder if I am a nice person. It's something I struggle with all the time. I try to so hard to be nice to people but I know how to stick up for myself...a childhood of being bullied by my mother taught me what to do if someone pushes me around. I am not known as being someone who suffers fools gladly or a woman who takes crap from anyone. I guess you could say that my Achilles heel is this feeling that I am not a good enough person and that no one likes me. My husband says differently and I certainly have a large circle of friends but that thought is always there in my mind just lurking and waiting for someone to say something to confirm it. One of the things my sister says about me behind my back is that she never thought I was a nice person in the first place. That hurts most of all because I truly thought we were close despite our age difference.