Checking In

Well its been more than a month since I posted and a lot has happened. Thank you to all of you who have been leaving supportive comments for me. I appreciate it more than you know.

To make a long story short I had a health situation that required that I go to a new doctor and I have really bad anxiety issues when it comes to doctors. Anyway, I wound up having to see a psychiatrist which I had never done before. I have been diagnosed with PSTD and generalized anxiety disorder. I am now on antidepressants, sleeping meds so I can sleep through the night, and I am seeing a therapist. I am feeling hopeful for the first time in ages. Its been a rough time but maybe this is the path I needed to take to get the help that I now see that I need.

WIsh me luck and I embark on this journey with therapy and meds. I will continue to post and to read my favorite sober blogs. Thank you so much for your support and happy holidays.

Bunny

Still Here

Hi there

i am still here. I just haven't been posting much. So many of you guys have told me to go to Al Anon but I just don't want to. So maybe there isn't much else to say. I still struggle and my family is falling apart (drunk dad, drunk brother) but I am hanging in there. I read many of your blogs and continue to be inspired.

Will check back again soon.

Bunny

Fall is Here

Well I haven't posted in a month and now I am back to check in. I have been drinking a lot less and only on weekends. I feel better, I am losing weight, and I sleep better. Still not perfect...I overdo the booze sometimes but at least I dont feel quite so out of control. Of course I should quit completely but that isn't happening.

I have been working like crazy. 14 hour days 6 days a week so that keeps me on the straight and narrow.

Thanks to everyone who checks in on my blog.

One Day at a Time

Thanks to those of you who check in on me. I am doing OK. Backslid a bit this weekend and drank quite a bit so I am hungover today. Staying away from my family and trying to focus on work and on being a good wife to my husband. Taking it one day at a time.

Al Anon and Jackass Fathers

Thanks for all of your comments on the last couple of posts. I went to the Al anon website and checked it out. There is a list of questions on it and I answered "yes" to every single one which, I think, means that I would qualify for Al Anon. They have a book for sale on their website....I think I will buy that first and then decide about meetings. I am just not the kind of person who is comfortable going into a group of strangers and sharing private things. It takes me a long time to trust anyone enough to talk about what I have been through. Anonymous blogging not withstanding.

I got the bill for the limo that I got for my dad last week. $500. I am trying to get an itemized bill out of the limo company because that seems high. I found out that my stupid asshole father took the limo driver to lunch when he picked him up from the hospital and didn't even ask the driver if he was still on duty. Of course he was on duty and I got billed for the hour they were having lunch together. I called my dad to ask him about it and he said "well I just assumed he was off duty". When I told him that I got billed for that time he just said, "that's too bad". Can you even believe that??? He didn't even offer to pay. Oh and in case you were wondering, my dad isn't stupid. The man has an MBA from Wharton and is a CPA. He just doesn't fucking care that he cost me a bunch of money. He doesn't care about me and it has taken me 40 years to really get that.

I am so done with my family. I have one brother who went through rehab (coke, heroin, booze) a few years ago and he is the only one I am going to continue talking to because he is the only one that I think doesn't use me or create problems for me. He completely supports me and thinks its about time I had nothing to do with the family. His description of the situation is that I am Jane Goodall and my family are monkeys and nothing I do will make them act like humans. Insightful. I wish they were monkeys because then at least their behavior would make sense.

Save Yourself Dad

I feel such rage and anger lately and I hate it. It's not making me drink...quite the opposite. Watching my dad continue his long journey to completely destroy himself makes me not want to drink at all. I am just so angry because my dad has been a drunk pretty much my whole life and this last episode has just pushed me to the edge. I have had it. No more saving him from himself. The next time he wants to drunk drive he can just have it. Go to prison. What the fuck do I care?

As a follow up to my last post here is how my dad's hospital visit went:

8:30 am yesterday I get a call from the limo driver that he got my dad from the hotel to the hospital

11:45 am I get a message from my father that went like this, "Hello, its your father. My procedure was canceled because the doctor got called away. Gotta go, my ride is here."

And I haven't heard another word from him.

So this is what I think happened: I think they did a routine blood test when they checked him in for his procedure and realized that he still had alcohol in his system from the most recent drinking binge and then they sent him home because they couldn't anesthetize him. I will never know what happened but I think that makes a lot of sense. Doctor's don't just get "called away" from medical procedures that have been scheduled in advance. Maybe delayed but not canceled. What a complete asshole my dad is.

I am going to send him the enormous bill for that limo service. I know it will be at least $600 and he can fucking pay it...if he had even gotten his medical procedure done I wouldn't be as mad as I am now but what a total jerk.

I am taking a long break from my family. I am tired of being the go-to person to solve all of their stupid and self destructive problems. I can say with all honesty that not one person in my family has problems that they didn't create for themselves.

Depressing

Earlier this evening I got a call from my brother who is a 35 year old unemployed alcoholic who lives about 4 hours from my father and is financially supported by my dad. (That description of my brother doesn't have anything to do with this post but if you read this blog with any frequency I have written about that brother before.) My brother asked me if I knew that my dad was planning on checking into the hospital tonight. I told him that I didn't know that and asked him what was going on. He said that he didn't know but that he had just called my dad, who has been on a bender for about the past month off and on, and that all he could get out of him was that he was driving himself 60 miles to the city to check into the hospital for some kind of procedure that had been scheduled.

I live 8 hours away from my dad so there was no way I could get to his home and intervene in person. He hasn't been drinking and driving for years. I think he finally figured out that he might go to prison for that so now he just stays home when drinking. Anyway, I called my dad to find out what was going on and he said that he had scheduled a procedure to remove some stones from his urethra at the hospital in the morning and that he was planning to drive to the city and check into a hotel tonight and take a cab to the hospital tomorrow. I pointed out that the hospital probably wouldn't let him leave by himself if there was any anesthesia involved. I asked him why his friend Don wasn't taking him like he would normally.

Dad said that Don was out of town and that he had talked to his doctor and the doctor told him that rather than reschedule the procedure they would allow him to take a cab back and forth from the hotel. In any case my dad was slurring his words and could barely form sentences to tell me this. He said that there was no one else to drive him (not true, he has other friends) and so he was planning to drive himself. Needless to say, I was terrified and considered calling the local sheriff (yes, my dad lives in a town so small that the sheriff is on a first name basis with everyone) that he was planning to drive drunk. In the end I found a limo company in the city that would send a driver over tonight to pick him up (no cab service in his town) and get him checked into him into his hotel. The drive rwill also get him to the hospital in the morning and will pick him up from the hospital and get him back to his home tomorrow night.

This is going to cost a fortune and my dad is so angry with me. He agreed to take the car but not until he yelled at me and accused me of trying to control his life. I asked him if he had been drinking and he said no....he never admits his drinking even when he is falling down drunk. He was so irrational and childlike on the phone. I honestly believe that if he had driven himself tonight he would have killed himself or someone else on the way. I remember when I was a little girl he got drunk and hit a little boy with his car in a parking lot. The boy wound up being OK and that was back in the days when he could just buy his way out of trouble but he still lost his license for a year. Thank god he isn't doing that sort of thing anymore...but I sure was worried tonight since his judgment is clearly impaired.

Once I got the car service arranged I called my brother to tell him. He then called my dad to check in with him and make sure he was packing and discovered that my dad had apparently started drinking more. About 15 minutes later my dad called to see if I could have the driver pick him up in the morning and take him to the hospital rather than going to the hotel tonight. I just told him that the driver was already on his way because I figured that he would get hammered and not wake up in the morning. During my brother's conversation with my dad apparently my father told him that he had been diagnosed with prostate cancer 3 1/2 years ago just before my wedding. Since dad was drunk while telling him this story my brother didn't get much more information than that so I wonder if the cancer has come back and if that is really why this "procedure" couldn't be rescheduled?

I never knew my dad had prostate cancer. My dad is so secretive about some stuff. I can't believe he didn't tell us he had cancer. And who knows if it was officially cancer (he never had chemo) or if it was a benign tumor? My brother is kind of an idiot so who knows what's really going on. I hope my dad is OK but I am so tired of being the only grownup in our family. Both of my parents have always been totally selfish, self-indulgent, and have never felt like they had any responsibility to their kids.

When I was about 15 my parents got divorced and my dad moved out and apparently stayed drunk for about the next 6 - 7 years; we saw him occasionally and he was always drunk even when he came to the house to see us. He actually got sober for about 10 years after that before returning to his drunken ways. Anyway, my mom took a job in another state and only came home on the weekends and I took care of my brothers and sisters. I used money I earned as a lifeguard to buy them school clothes. The point is that both of my parents left us instead of sticking around and being responsible. To be fair my mom was working but whenever she came home on the weekends she was so angry and abusive to all of us. It was obvious that she hated her life and resented that she married an alcoholic and got stuck taking care of us. But I digress....this post is about my dad and how depressing it is to watch someone pretty much spend their whole life killing themselves.

When my dad was 30 years old apparently doctors told him that if he kept drinking so much he would die. He is 69 years old now and it is so stressful and exhausting to constantly worry about him. I am so tired of being worried about him. I can't even remember how many times that either my brother or I (2 of my siblings moved 2,000 miles away and don't worry about him much at all) have had to get to my dad's house to sober him up after a long bender because we were worried that he was going to die. I don't know if this is enabling him or not. Tonight I felt like if I didn't get him a car service that he would kill himself or someone else and I couldn't live with that.

My dad has friends and they all know he is an alcoholic even though he lies about it. None of his friends drink and my dad only drinks alone in his home. His friends check on him and make sure he is OK even when he gets nasty to them when he is drunk - he is so lucky to have friends that care so much. I don't think I have any friends that would keep trying to save me if I had been a drunk for 40 years. He has his own business and manages to more or less get his work done and make a good living. He is a really really smart guy and is very talented at what he does so I think people cut him a lot of slack. Sometimes I don't understand why people still do business with him but he is so good at what he does and he is very well liked so they just deal with delays when he is on a bender.

My dad just called me from the limo using the limo driver's cell phone because he forgot his at home. That is just a sign of how drunk he is. He never leaves home without his cell phone. At least he isn't driving. I don't even know if his doctor will do the procedure on him in the morning if he is still drunk. I wonder if they will test his blood alcohol content before they give him any anesthetic?

Getting Better

Thanks to all of my blogger friends who continue to leave supportive comments. I have been so so buys with work lately. I don't have either the time or desire to drink. I am just trying to get enough sleep and exercise. I think that a big trigger for over-drinking for me is boredom. When I feel bored I don't feel like feel like I have as much of a purpose and I think I really need that.

Dear "Patrick": Go Fuck Yourself You Crazy Piece of Shit

Someone named Patrick decided to write delusional and nonsensical comments on my blog. He rants against AA even though I am not even in AA. It is clear to me that Patrick is a troubled individual with too much time on his hands and not enough adult supervision in his life.

If you want to visit his lunatic blog here is the address: http://micky-clontarf.blogspot.com/

Patrick wrote all 17 of his comments on my last blog post within about a minute of each other today which leads me to believe that he (a) is an unemployed loser, (b) has an IQ that ranges somewhere between a person with downs syndrome and a meth addict, and (c) is just angry because he has never been laid.

I may delete his comments or maybe I will leave them up...not sure yet. Perhaps I should save them as evidence of his mindset that I can turn over to the police when he embarks upon his inevitable killing spree. Patrick, a real man wouldn't spend hours typing "HA HA" over and over again in the comments section of a blog. You are a fool and are not a Christian. You are just a pathetic troubled moron. Now I will let you get back to surfing the net for kiddie porn or whatever it is you do for the rest of your sad and lonely day. Idiot.

Cruising Along

Thank you to all of you who have been commenting on my blog. Some of you are convinced that I cannot do this without AA which I find interesting. I have no problem with AA - I think it is a great program that has helped a lot of people. But I don't think anyone looks forward to the prospect of joining AA -- I know I don't. I don't want to be so out of control that I have to get help from a bunch of strangers. If I need to get help from AA I certainly will but I don't think I am at that point. I feel like I am controlling my drinking a lot better than I was before and I am trying to re-discover some old interests of mine (running) that by their very nature require that I stay away from booze. I don't want to have to live a life of total abstinence if I don't absolutely have to.

I hope I can keep myself on track and I have to say that reading my favorite sober blogs and engaging in dialog with those of you who leave me comments is really helpful. I have learned a lot about alcoholism and I appreciate your help. Thank you. I am very grateful for your input.

Getting Better

Thank you to everyone who has visited my blog and has left supportive comments. I really appreciate it. It means more to me than you can possibly know. I was really struggling there for awhile but I am getting better. I know a lot of people feel that going to AA meetings are the only way to kick the alcohol habit but I am not doing that. I am forcing myself to quit drinking during the week (successfully) and only drinking on Friday and Saturday nights. In other words I am returning to my previously more disciplined life. I am finding that I drink less on the weekends and not at all during the week. What I am doing may not be the best way to go about things but its what is working for me right now. I think in a month or so I will try to go a full 30 days with no booze at all.

I think what sort of has scared me straight is my family. Not that anyone has told me to quit drinking...its not that. It's that my father, a raging alcoholic for my entire life (I am 40), and my brother who is 35 years old have been going on ridiculous drinking binges and seeing their behavior has made me resolve to never ever let myself get that way. My brother drunk dialed me several times early in the morning after an all night binge (he didn't even remember the next day) and my dad stayed on a binge for about a week recently. Seeing the way they are living has just scared me. I don't want to be like them...the walking dead basically. In their own ways they have both given up on life and they are quite co-dependent on each other I think. It just makes me sad. I want to be there for my husband and never ever force him to see me lose complete control that way.

I will try to blog more and visit my favorite sober bloggers sites as well. I have been trying to stay really busy so that I am not tempted by the booze as much and that has kept me from blogging as much.

Pain

I haven't posted for a couple of weeks. The first week was because I was not drinking and I traveled one state over to visit my dad for a few days. Then my husband, my father, and I took a 5 day trip to Seattle. I told myself I wasn't going to drink while I was there. But I did. At every meal. I slept fine and handled the alcohol OK while on the trip so it wasn't a problem when I was there. But we got home on Sunday night and I drank a little too much. And then I did the same thing last night. And now I am depressed and feeling like a loser. It doesn't help that before we left on this trip I lost my temper with one of the schedulers at my dog groomer and now that I have returned they have informed me that they won't groom my dogs anymore because I snapped at the scheduler. I am trying to come up with some kind of story and an apology so I can get the dogs in there again. But the combination of completely falling off the wagon (not that I was 100% on it anyway) and feeling like a jerk just makes me hate myself so much. I am really unhappy right now and its all my own fault. I really wish I were a completely different person - you know one of those people who never pisses anyone off. I hope I can pull it together.

Sober But Feeling Weird

I drank a little bit over the weekend but very much in moderation. No booze since Saturday and I am the better for it of course. I have been sleeping pretty well except last night we had a huge storm which kept the dogs and my husband awake so I woke up intermittently. When I got up this morning I felt tired and thought I had a hangover...it took me a little while to remember that I didn't drink anything and, therefore, couldn't have a hangover.

For the last couple of mornings I have had that feeling. If it takes me awhile to wake up I think to myself, "well I will drink an extra diet coke and have some aspirin." But once my usual dosage of caffeine kicks in and I start feeling normal I realize that I don't have a hangover. It's kind of weird. It reminds me of stories I hear about amputees who still feel the missing limb even after its gone. I still feel my hangover even though its not there. Kind of bizarre, huh?

I have been having great workouts this week. I am too fat and out of shape but I am starting to get that old motivated feeling. The kind of resolve I had almost forgotten. Hope I can hold on to it.

Feeling Better

Thanks to Ann, Molly, and Beth for your comments yesterday. You really made me feel better. And, yes, it is insanity to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. That is right.

With no booze in my system I was feeling much better and hyper productive today. My husband isn't home until Thursday and when he is not home I take advantage of the situation and do the kind of heavy cleaning and reorganizing that is easier to do alone and without commentary of others. I am really enjoying the peace and quiet of being alone in my house. When my husband is around 24-7 it really is too much togetherness. I like the silence and not having to constantly answer silly questions like, "what are you doing?" or, "Hi honey I see you are petting the cat". Silly commentary that people think they have to engage in sometimes rather than just not speaking at all.

I worked out today and look forward to a hopefully great workout tomorrow. Busy day tomorrow...some writing I have been putting off plus lunch with one friend and dinner with another. Should keep me busy and out of trouble (booze-trouble that is).

Thank you all so much for your friendship, support, and kind comments. It is so helpful to me...more than I would have thought it would be. I tend to be the kind of person who deals with touchy personal issues on her own. I am a big believer in self discipline and the power of mind over matter and this alcohol issue is so hard for me because basically I think that I have been displaying a disturbing lack of self-discipline which makes me so angry with myself. So, your supportive comments are helpful and its also constructive to hear how some of you have felt when you did some of the same things I have found myself doing like drinking too much and being hungover and unhappy. Your kindness is appreciated my friends.

Backslide

I am extremely hungover and disappointed in myself. Again. I had been doing pretty well and then this weekend I drank each day and was hungover on Sunday. Which I dealt with by drinking more and it just got out of hand last night. I drank tons and was drunker than I have been in a very long time. Needless to say that today has been a complete waste and I am so angry at myself.

I have started feeling like such a failure. I feel that I have made some bad decisions professionally and that I am not as successful as I want to be. Also many of my bad decisions have been preceded by bad reactions to problems and challenges in the workplace. I just feel like such a failure as a person sometimes. I look at my friends from college and so many of them are millionaires and have powerful jobs and I have just not achieved at the same level and I feel like such a loser. I am sure that all of my feelings are exacerbated today by my hangover and the fact that I have had booze in my system over the past several days. I hope I feel better by the weekend as long as I stay away from the booze this week.

Another Day in Paradise

Well it's Thursday and I have been pretty good this week. Had a cocktail on Monday night because I got very stressed out but I stopped at 2 and slept Ok so I am not too mad at myself. No booze since then although I am seriously considering a martini tonight and I am not sure why. I am just craving it; I am not in a bad mood or anything though. We are going to a dinner party tomorrow night and while I am sure I will have a little wine with dinner I am not worried since drinking in public isn't my problem. It's too much booze at home that gets me.

My husband is traveling for work next week which is good. All of his working at home really gets on my nerves just because it means we are literally in the house together 24 hours a day. I could use a little space now and again. When he is gone I tend not to drink - I think the fact that he drinks every night is a bit of an influence on me When I see him having a drink I guess it makes it seem ok for me to have one too. Probably everyone feels the same.

I still go through phases of being upset about the rift with my sister. It sneaks up on me sometimes which makes me sad. Sometimes I just feel so broken. Like there is something wrong with me because of all the garbage I have been through in my life - especially childhood. Don't get me wrong; I am responsible for all of my decisions. But inside I know that my reactions to things are sometimes not the same as other people's. At least the way I see other people react to stress or frustrations. I just lock down and go into panic/protect myself mode so quickly. I think if you have an abusive childhood that you are like a house with a faulty foundation that could fall down at any time even though it looks OK from the outside. A lot of people would say that therapy is the answer here but based on what I have seen other people go through in the process of therapy I am not sure I want to spend several years in an overtly unhappy state.

So I guess for now I will blog and read your blogs and try to learn from the way other people react to things so that I can try to at least do a better job of controlling my outward reactions even if the inward ones don't really change.

Deleted the last post

I deleted my last post because it occurred to me (I am being over careful here) that someone who knows me could potentially identify me because of my pet photos. Highly unlikely but since I want to remain anonymous I took the post and photos down just to be safe. I think all my blogger friends saw the photos of my babies anyway.

Things are good. Drank very little over the weekend which is a huge change for me and a step in the right direction. The week is busy so far and the busier I am the less I drink so wish me luck as I try not to drink at all this week!

Napa Was Good

Well the trip went fine. We arrived, exhausted, on Thursday night. It's a very long trip to Napa from our home. I crawled into bed and went to sleep. My husband drank a little wine to kick off the trip but I didn't cave and have any. The next day we drove around to wineries and I did a little tasting but didn't overdo it. Unfortunately on Friday night we got some wine and room service and I had too much to drink so I didn't sleep well. I was so mad at myself. A little confused too because I tried so hard to pace myself.

Saturday and Sunday were much better. I started just sharing my husband's tasting flights and I didn't get drunk at all. On Sunday some friends of ours drove up from San Francisco to go to April in Carneros with us -- we must have visited 10 wineries. I got to where I didn't even taste all the wines and I was so proud of myself. I was even the designated driver on Saturday night when we drove about 30 miles to dinner. The meal was totally overrated but I was proud that I could say no to booze for a night!

My husband bought about 4 cases of wine and I have to say I am disappointed that he did so because it's getting easier for me to say no to wine because it messes me up so much. I still crave vodka but the wine is a quick high that ruins the next day or so for me because I can't sleep when I drink it so I just don't really want any.

I notice that Ann and Any Beth have posted pictures of their cats. I will post photos of my babies later today...your cats are so cute and now I want you to see mine!

Thanks for your support and encouragement - it really means so much to me.

Napa or Bust

So today is the day that my husband and I head to Napa, California to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I am very nervous. I have managed not to drink all week and I am going to try not to drink anything when we arrive this evening. But we have 3 days of wine tastings planned and I am so nervous about drinking too much which will, in turn, ruin my chances of sleeping well and make me irritable and anxious. One good thing is that each day during our trip we have lunches or get-togethers planned with family or friends. That gives me an incentive to not drink anything at least until after we see our friends/family.

I don't really enjoy travel much anymore...the airports are nightmares and you never know if you will even get to your destination anymore. When I was in my 20s I was fortunate to be able to travel all around the world so I guess I kind of feel like I have done it and I would rather wait until travel is safer and easier. I am keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well during our travels and that our trip is relatively stress free.

I want to make sure that my husband has a good time...I am trying to keep my worries under control because he is so excited about this vacation. And if anyone deserves a great vacation it's my husband because he is a wonderful sweet person. So, wish us luck this weekend.

Gone But Not Forgotten

Hi there Ann and AnyBeth and Tyra...I am still here. I have just been beyond busy and I was traveling. Sadly this does not mean that I haven't been drinking.

The week before last I didn't drink because I was swamped with work and was getting ready to take a trip to San Francisco to hang out with one of my best girlfriends from college. Her husband was out of town for the week and mine didn't mind if I went out to see her for a few days. She has 2 kids so it was pretty tame but we drank too much wine. There is almost no way to go to her house an not drink wine because they have a 3,000 bottle cellar and a small vineyard so wine is everywhere there. When I got back I guess the wine that was still in my system made me want more to drink. yada yada and I was hungover on Monday. I slept OK last night but every night before that was rough.

Now I am scrambling to make up for my hungover and not-really-working-time because next Thursday my husband is taking me to Napa Valley for our anniversary. I told him that I am nervous about a long weekend in wine country because I have come to the conclusion that wine really messes me up. What I mean is that when I drink more than a glass or two of wine I don't sleep...sometimes for a couple of days. If I have some vodka or a few beers the effect isn't the same. I don't really know what I am going to do out there. Maybe I can be the designated driver. But that isn't really realistic. I am depressed about the trip because I am afraid that over a period of days I will drink too much, be sleep deprived and cranky and it will take me at least a week to recover from the trip. Most people wouldn't get this stressed over a trip to wine country....

I wish that we weren't going on this trip so that I could try to stay sober for awhile and so I could keep going to the gym every day. Before I left on the trip my workouts were better than they are now because I am still recovering from my trip and drinking. I am really bummed about all this. I guess I will just do my best to muddle through the next couple of weeks and sort of start over after the anniversary trip.

Will try to post more over the next couple of weeks. I am so glad that Ann Without Wine is back!

Monday, Sober, Wish I Was Drinking

No booze yesterday which was a good idea. Mondays go so much better for me when I am not hungover and when I have at least had a fighting chance at a decent nights sleep. I didn't sleep all that well mainly because one of our dogs was snoring and I had a stopped up nose. I think. Who knows why I seldom sleep well. I want a drink so badly right now....but I know that tonight I will resist.

I had an epiphany today. I read an article about the characteristics of happy people. One of the characteristics of happy people is that they apparently don't think thoughts like, "if only I were thin I would be happy" or "if only I had more money I would be happy". I don't really have thoughts that if I were magically thinner or richer that I would be happier. But, I know that if I change my habits and take better care of myself I will be happier and that my general output will be higher. Then I started thinking about my feelings about my life right now, a life that is truly happy and blessed. And the truth is that I am not satisfied with my life right now and I wonder if its because I am waiting for excitement.

I used fantasize about the great things that would happen after business school, after I met the man of my dreams, after I got married....and so on. Well I have an MBA, a house, and a husband and its not that exciting. The last time I was super excited about the future was when I was in graduate school. I believed that once I finished that a great opportunity would present itself. It never really did. Well, I thought it did, but the job turned out to be a bad opportunity that I hadn't researched well enough.

Don't get me wrong I love my husband so much. He is kind of getting on my nerves lately because he has been working from home for the past 2 weeks and I work from home which is a little bit too much togetherness. But I am happy. When I am not hungover and I get enough sleep I am happy but I think I will be much happier when I feel like I am accomplishing more with my career and when I am back in shape. I cant figure out if I think that something exciting will happen as a result of improved career and weight loss/getting in shape or if that end will be enough for me. Once I get back in shape I am thinking of joining a running club and training for a 1/2 marathon. I used to be a competitive athlete and it felt so good to run hard and win. Maybe that will fill whatever need for excitement and competition I have.

All I know is that to find out I have to stay off the sauce as much as possible.

Sunday: Hangover Blues

Well I did not continue my no-drinking-streak through the weekend as you can probably tell from the title of this post. On Friday night my husband and i had a couple of bottles of wine and then I finished the evening with vodka. Yesterday I had brunch with a friend where I had a mimosa to get rid of my hangover from the night before. Then later in the day I had beer, wine, and vodka. I kind of wish my husband would discourage my drinking. I apologized for getting drunk last night because I know I was a little obnoxious at one point. He just said that he doesn't mind if I drink too much sometimes. He is planning a trip for us to Napa for our anniversary in a few weeks and I am so nervous because I don't want to drink a lot out there and I am afraid that will happen.

The week after this next one I am going to go visit one of my girlfriends for about 4 days. Her husband is out of town and I am going to stay with her and see some other friends who live in the area as well. The only problem is hat this particular friend loves to drink wine and has an extensive wine cellar. I am just going to have to say no more than I usually do when I visit her.
It will be tough that is for sure.

I don't feel that great today but I am not drinking to make myself feel better which is a small victory I guess.

Another Day with no booze......

Well its Thursday and I feel good. I am SO tempted to pour myself a tasty vodka but I am managing to resist. I slept so well last night and I want to do everything I can to try to get another good night of sleep tonight. So as tempted as I am to drink I desire sleep more and I sure hope I can get it. I never know when I lie down if I am going to sleep or just toss and turn.

Yesterday I called one of my best friends to talk to her about my rage about my sister. This particular friend has spent a lot of time in therapy dealing with her own issues and I guess the good advice must have rubbed off on her. She was a great help to me and I have been feeling so much calmer about the situation ever since I talked to her. I need to try to only focus on myself and not worry so much about my family. I have to set and achieve aggressive goals for myself. Thats when I have been the happiest in life...when I push myself hard to achieve something big and then I do it.

Wednesday

Well its been a pretty good week so far. I caved on Monday and drank a couple of vodka rocks before bed. But nothing since then and not drinking tonight. I have so much work to do!!! Work seems to keep me focused and not drinking so that is a good thing. My husband plays poker on Wednesdays so he is out for the evening and one of my girlfriends is coming over. We do this pretty much every Wednesday evening. It's fun...we watch a ton of Law and Order, eat mac-n-cheese and just have a nice booze-free time. This particular friend doesn't drink so she is probably good company for me!

Hi Anne...so glad you are checking in because we miss you.

Sunday and All is Well

First of all I have to say to Ann...I miss you. I understand why you aren't blogging now but I miss you because I felt that you and I are really going through some of the same things and you have been a great source of comfort and support to me. Please check in frequently and leave me comments about how you are. Or if you prefer you can email me directly...my screen name @gmail.com

Friday I drank at the rodeo and then a bit more at home. On Saturday, yesterday, I was hungover, irritable, and generally miserable. Went to the rodeo finals last night but I had such a headache that we left before the concert following the events. I came home, took a bath, and resolved (again) to try to live better. Didn't drink today and I feel good. My husband is drinking wine this evening and I am not having any. I have got to use self control more. It's so hard sometimes. I ran out of vodka and was going to just not buy more but my sweet husband, not knowing that I am trying to cut back I guess bought me two huge bottles. I just have to stay away from them.

I have to keep my head about me because I have a lot of clients right now and I really really want to write a book this year. I have been talking about it and I think I have a possible publisher if I can get my act together.

Also, on a totally unrelated topic, I am having such a hard time dealing with rage at my sister. If you visit this blog with any frequency you know that I had a troubled childhood. My youngest sister is 13 years younger than me. I was 17 and she was nearly 5 when I left for college. I thought a lot about whether or not to sever all ties with my family when I left because my childhood was so painful for me. But, I thought it over and decided that I didn't want to be like everyone else...I had always felt that there was no one in my corner and that there was no one to protect me and my siblings. So, I decided not to cut off all contact and to try to do whatever I could to support my siblings and hopefully "fix" my family so that one day things could be normal.

Over the years as my sister got older I did what I could and in the best way I knew how to show her that I cared about her. I attended her high school graduation, I went with her when she started college, I went to her college graduation. I took her on vacations and flew her to Chicago to spend time with me over holidays and sometimes for a week or so...all expenses paid. I took her shopping, bought her gifts, and tried to show her a good time. I thought she loved me. Often my dad would ask me to support him and talk to her about things like graduate school, grades or whatever. In short, my relationship with her was always more like a mother than a sister.

I know there have been times when I have been more stern with my sister than she would like. I have always thought that she tends to give up on goals too quickly and that she makes excuses for giving up or failing rather than just owning her mistakes.

For example, when she went to college she said she wanted to go to medical school. She majored in biology and supposedly worked toward getting into med school until her senior year. Then, all of the sudden it turned out that her grades weren't good enough for medical school. Instead of just saying, "hey, I didn't work hard enough so I'll find something else to do" she all of the sudden says that she has ADD (she never had it before) and so that is why she can't get into medical school. She didn't even go through career and placement services to get a job. She graduated with out a job and wound up working as a temp and sponging off my dad. No big deal but of course I talked to her about this because that kind of behavior won't help her in the real world. I have always tried to be gentle and diplomatic with her but it seems she doesn't see it that way. She tells people that I am "harsh and unyielding".

My sister is very bad with money and I have tried to help her there too by lending her money, and later, when I figured out that she might be taking advantage of me, by trying to help her learn personal finance. I have truly done the best I could do and have always wanted the best for her. I envisioned her as my maid of honor and us as the best of friends. When I got married 3 years ago I asked her to be my maid of honor. At first she said yes but then, in response to an email I sent her chastising her for borrowing more money from my dad, she sent me the nastiest and craziest email I have ever received. I called it her "manifesto"...she made all kind of bizarre accusations that included the fact that she thinks that my dad and I make fun of her behind her back which we don't. So, I asked her not to be in the wedding party. She seemed OK with that and did a reading instead.

It came to my attention during the Christmas of 2006 that my sister hates my guts. I never knew that before. She came to my home to have Christmas with my dad and my husband and me.; she lives in another state so she flew here and stayed in my home for a week. She says she has all kinds of food allergies...I am sure some of them are true but there are varying degrees of allergic reaction and I am not sure her allergies are as bad as she says...nevertheless my husband prepared all kinds of meals that she could eat even though that meant adjusting his menus and extra work.

We bought my sister hundreds of dollars worth of gifts that she chose and put on wish lists. We showed her every kindness and tried to be good to her. After I returned from taking her to the airport my husband told me that he had looked at her MySpace page. She had written the most awful things about me on her blog. Prior to coming to visit us she ranted about how she didn't want to come for Christmas and called me "inscrutable and rude". While staying in my home and availing herself of our hospitality she updated her MySpace page to say that I yelled and cursed at her which was completely untrue. I cried and cried. Then I cut and pasted from her blog and sent her an email that said I couldn't believe she would say these things to me and that she should get a diary like a normal person. I also copied my dad on the email. I haven't spoken to her since.

I have since found out that she tells people the most awful and untrue things about me. I should also add that my brothers refuse to speak to her or be around her. She told me that after I left home for college that the two of them used to physically abuse her. She told me that one of my brothers tried to rape her. I figured that she was exaggerating but that she may have gotten caught in some crossfire between my brothers because I know that after I left they fought some as teenagers. Now that I see what a liar she is I no longer believe anything she has said.

But I feel so betrayed. I have spoken with my father about this and he says that he thinks she conned me and used me. I think so too. I am in so much pain and I just hate her now. I loved her so much and thought about her all the time. If I found a cute pair of shoes for myself I would often buy and send her a pair too. I sent her care packages in college. I found the best florists and bakers in the city that she lives in and sent her cakes and flowers for birthdays. I am not perfect but I was never unkind to her. I don't understand.

The weird thing to me about her is that she seems to synthesize information and situations very differently than I do. I mean I don't yell and curse at her. In her blog she claims that she has to walk on eggshells around me because she never knows when I am going to start screaming and cursing. That has never happened. I wonder if in her mind, when I disagree with her if that counts as "screaming"? I certainly curse sometimes too but never at her so maybe I cursed once and that is part of the "screaming and cursing" she claims that I do. I just don't know. This makes no sense to me.

The worst part of this, for me, is that deep inside I wonder if I am a nice person. It's something I struggle with all the time. I try to so hard to be nice to people but I know how to stick up for myself...a childhood of being bullied by my mother taught me what to do if someone pushes me around. I am not known as being someone who suffers fools gladly or a woman who takes crap from anyone. I guess you could say that my Achilles heel is this feeling that I am not a good enough person and that no one likes me. My husband says differently and I certainly have a large circle of friends but that thought is always there in my mind just lurking and waiting for someone to say something to confirm it. One of the things my sister says about me behind my back is that she never thought I was a nice person in the first place. That hurts most of all because I truly thought we were close despite our age difference.

Friday: I Drank on Thursday and I Regret It

Things were going so well this week. I went to the rodeo last night (we have box seats) and drank 3 beers. No big deal, right? Well the beers weren't but then I came home and drank a bunch of Flor De Cana rum, or as I call it, "evil juice". I was hungover and unproductive today. Ate badly and didn't work out. I think that is what made me the maddest at myself. When I drink too much I don't meet my goals of eating better and working out every day. I feel like a total loser. I hope I have the strength not to drink tomorrow night at the rodeo finals.

Wednesday Morning, Feeling Good

Last night around 10 pm when I was winding down for the day I contemplated "just 1" drink and, fortunately, was able to talk myself out of it. I slept so soundly last night and now I feel really great. I hope that I a can hang in there for awhile because my business is so busy now...many new clients and I really really want to write my book proposal this year. I keep talking about it and not doing it and that is one of my pet peeves: procrastination. I hope I sleep well tonight because there is a spin class at the gym that someone recommended to me that I really want to try.

Monday and No Drinks

Ann and AnyBeth- thanks again for your sweet and supportive comments. It means so much to me. I drank yesterday. I think i really need to avoid rehashing childhood memories. I got so depressed after I wrote in my blog. Actually, the writing part was therapeutic but afterwards I was bummed. And then I drank which led to a poor nights sleep and a less than productive day. But, no drinks tonight and I did work out today so I am sure that tomorrow will be a better day.

Thanks so much for your support. I love being able to reach out via blog because it makes me feel anonymous which, in turn, makes me feel safe. I don't ever want to be known as damaged goods or have people associate my face with tragedy, child abuse, sexual abuse or anything like that. There is an older woman I know (70s) who went through unspeakable sexual abuse as a child...I mean she seriously has the worst stories I have ever heard. You know how I know? Because she recently wrote and self-published a book detailing her childhood. She says the book is supposed to be sort of a roadmap to healing but I don't think that is really what she created. It's just 200 pages of stories about how her dad used to make her stay in a public restroom and guys would pay him to have sex with her. She was about 6 at the time and its just the saddest thing I have ever heard.

This poor woman has spent much of her life in and out of mental hospitals getting all kinds of awful treatments including shock therapy and its all in the book. She is part of a women's social group that I am part of so when she started selling her book I bought a copy to be supportive. I read it and I cried and cried...it was just beyond depressing. I really respect her for overcoming her past but the problem is that when I look at her I recall many of the horrific details in her book. That is pretty much all I think of when I see her although I am sure she has many other wonderful qualities that she would rather be known for. But that's what happens when you tell people the things you have been through - they identify you that way.

I don't want to be that person...the person who is known for a tragic past. I have worked too hard to accomplish other things that define me more than a sad childhood including earning an undergrad degree and MBA from a top-5 school, a great career, a great husband, and wonderful friends. That is why I like being able to blog about what I am going through and find support on the internet - it allows me to be anonymous while sharing with others.

Sunday

Well I drank again last night. I am disappointed in myself but I am going to start my quest for sobriety anew today. If I can make it through today maybe I can make it through the whole week. Usually if I can get avoid drinking the day after I have had some drinks I don't crave it the day after.

I think I might order a book called "The Courage to Heal" that was suggested to me. My response to Ann's post the other day got me to thinking more about my childhood which I am not sure was a good idea. Sometimes I feel like everything seems so complicated. I have no idea why my parents treated us the way they did. Why have kids if you don't like kids? I mean my dad was from a relatively normal Irish Catholic family...his dad was abusive and alcoholic but it was within what is considered socially normal. My mother, on the other hand, was from a family that was so abusive and dysfunctional (well her mom anyway) that it's almost unbelievable. So why would she have kids? She told me once that she didn't want kids but my dad did so she pumped out 5 of them. I guess that kind of explains it but it is just so irresponsible.

I made a decision years ago not to have children because I figured that the cycle of abuse would continue with me. I am now 40 years old and I feel almost a sense of relief that accidental pregnancy is pretty unlikely now. I don't really like children very much anyway so it has worked out OK.

I read a blog the other day in which the author talked about the importance of feeling pain and not running from it. Specifically she was talking about pain associated with past sexual abuse. I guess I have always felt that my childhood was so nightmarish that I just want to do my best to have fun for the rest of my life. I can't think of any good reason to get into a therapy situation where I would have to relive all of what I went through again. I figure I have about 40 more years on this earth so why spend several years of it being miserable? I literally can't recall any pleasant or fun memories from my childhood. Mostly my siblings and I were scared, lonely, and on a constant state of alert to make sure we didn't upset my mother in any way. When my dad would get drunk and bad things would happen at night we weren't allowed to discuss or acknowledge them the next day.

Until I was about 13 I thought about suicide every single day and tried to think of a fool proof way to kill myself. Then one Sunday morning when I was sitting in church I thought through a suicide attempt and what the possible outcomes might be. I have always thought that God was guiding my thoughts that day because I figured that there were 2 outcomes to trying to kill myself: 1. I would be dead and everyone else in the world would just go on about their lives and I wouldn't have the chance to get away from that little town that I grew up in. 2. I would fail at the attempt and either permanently cripple myself or, worse yet, would attract unwanted attention to myself. I wasn't exactly sure what would happen but I was pretty sure that the outcome of a failed attempt would be bad.

So, I quit thinking about suicide and just thought about escape. I knew that if I ran away I would eventually be found and brought back which, again, involved unwanted attention and even fewer privileges than I already had. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to be invisible. Not surprisingly I was very shy and sad as a child. When I looked sad it seemed to make my mother even angrier at me so eventually I figured out that if I smiled and made jokes sometimes that it deflected attention from me. I used to watch kids at school to see what they talked about and laughed about and tried to integrate some of that into my persona so that she would ignore me. It worked too. My younger brother was so sullen and unhappy that she started to abuse him more than me. Its terrible though...she really destroyed him. He is almost 40 yeras old and hasn't worked in years, is overweight, has no friends, and is a very angry and bitter person. He is what I would call a non-functioning human being and I feel so sorry for him...its not his fault he is this way.

Man she hated us. It's hard to explain because it sounds so unbelievable if you grew up with a mother who had even a little love for her kids which most people did. When I was growing up I only had a couple of friends and they had seen what it was like at my house with their own eyes. I never tried to tell anyone else because I didn't think they would believe me.

Each day I would get up and get dressed, get my siblings dressed (oh did I mention one of my sisters is retarded...needed constant supervision, couldn't talk, couldn't dress herself, and needed help going to the toilet.) and make them breakfast and their lunches. I also had to make my mother coffee and when she whistled from her bedroom one of us would have to take her a cup of coffee.

We used to fight over who had to go up there and take her the coffee. It was like walking into a spider's web. Whoever went up there stood a decent chance of getting slapped but mostly she would look at whatever you were wearing and make you go change. Sounds like no big deal right? No. See my mother refused to let us wear jeans and shirts to school like the other kids. Oh no, she would shop for the cheapest double knit pants with elastic waistbands that were never even remotely in fashion and of course all the other kids made fun of us. I know that sounds so petty but for the same amount of money she could have gone to Wal Mart and let us get jeans and shirts but she refused. The thing is that my parents had money...its wasn't a financial issue. It was about the fact that she had to have complete and total control. We weren't allowed to make even the smallest decisions and if we did she would beat us or take away privileges. And by "privileges" I mean being allowed to check books out of the library or watch Little House on the Prairie. We didn't have privileges like normal kids who could go play in the neighborhood or ride bikes together.

Anyway, after delivering coffee to her she would make us beg her to take us to school. She actually went through various phases where for a few months she would want us to ride the school bus and then suddenly she would change her mind and tell us we weren't allowed and that she would take us to school. When she was in one of her "I will take you to school" phases she would take her own sweet time getting ready in the morning so that we were late to school all the time. It was so embarrassing because I used to get in trouble every morning from the principal at our middle school for being late. If we tried to rush her she would get angry and scream, take away privileges, or smack us around. After school she insisted on picking us up but she was always late for that too. And the worst part about riding home from school with her was that as soon as you got in the car she would either scream at us or slap us around for some kind of infraction that she had either been stewing about all day or something she just thought up as soon as she saw us. By the time we got home she would have thought of more things to take away from us or would just start spanking us when we got in the house.

Then when we got home we could do housework, yard work, or our homework. We weren't allowed to watch TV or sit and read in the living room. If you were caught looking like you were having fun or not working at something there was trouble. Then she would tell us what she was cooking for dinner and tell us what to prepare...we did all vegetable chopping and other preparations plus setting the table. And then we cleaned up after she cooked. It was like she was doing us all some huge favor by cooking for us. I tried to escape to my bedroom as soon as I could after dinner to read or do homework. And that was pretty much what life was like. Sometimes if you were in your room she would throw open the door and scream about something you hadn't cleaned properly or other infractions. My dad was at the office most of the time and when he came home he was often drunk but at least he was usually nice to us.

When I was about 7 I had this beautiful long blonde hair that I loved and one day she said it was too much trouble so she put it in a ponytail and cut off the ponytail. I cried and cried and cried. She made me wear short hair forever after that. As an adult I now have beautiful long blonde hair. I can't figure out why she hated all of us so much. It had to have taken a lot of energy to stay so mad and to continuously ambush us with accusations. You never knew what would set her off so you had to always listen carefully to see if you could hear her coming around a corner. There was this one spot in our backyard where we sort of hollowed out a cave in some of the bushes and that was a good place to hide. If my dad was drunk and doing who-knows-what to my mom in their bedroom late at night and she was screaming I used to get my siblings together and we would just hide out there until things got quiet again.

OK thats enough depressing crap for now. Even as I write this I think that no one would ever believe this happened to anyone because I dont know anyone else who had a mother like this.

Thursday March 6, 2008

First of all, thanks to Ann and AnyBeth for checking in on me over the past couple of weeks. I really appreciate it. I stayed sober for a whole week and then we had a dinner party. I had a little wine with dinner and after the guests left I drank too much vodka while watching a late night movie. Bad move. Recently a friend of mine died after a 2 year battle with cancer. She was only 32 and its just been so sad for so many of us. It hasn't made me drink but it has made me sad and a little down. I have been drinking some but not to excess.

I drank a few cocktails last night and didn't sleep very well which sucks. I have been really cutting back because I have been so busy with work including some public speaking engagements. Nothing keeps me sober like having to speak in public...the last thing I want to do is babble like a fool because my brain feels like mush and I can't find the words to say what I want.

Ann wrote a post yesterday that just broke my heart. She talks about the difficulty she is having, now that she has tried to cut back on drinking, with dealing with overcoming some traumatic incidents from her past. That can be so tough. I have never told my husband about the horrible things that happened to me when I was a teenager. He knows about my parents abusive and alcoholic household but that is only part of the story. My father used to climb in my bed late at night and touch me when I was about 13. He finally stopped when my mom caught him but he has always looked at me inappropriately and he used to say really inappropriate and uncomfortable things to me about my body when I was in my late teens and early 20s. I always made sure to wear extra clothes and cover up when I was around him so he couldn't see much of my body.

Now my father is almost 70 years old and he doesn't do that anymore but its always been something I can't forget or really get over. I can't stand for even my husband to touch me in certain ways because it reminds me of what my dad used to do to me. I have only told one person in the world about what my dad used to do to me -- it was an old boyfriend and he just couldn't handle it. I haven't told my husband because he adores my dad and I don't want to take that away from him. I have always tried to make sure that no one could ever guess as I, too, am close to my dad but deep inside I still cant understand why he would do that to me and I feel confused about why I can't hate him.

Also when I was 17 and a virgin I was gang raped by two guys on our high school football team. I tried to just put that behind me and forget about it. I had told my "best friend" in high school who turned around and told everyone in our 400 person high school that I was a slut who had sex with 2 guys at once. That was my senior year of high school and since I lived in the Bible Belt I spent the last semester of high school and the summer afterward as a pariah. No one would talk to me because I was a slut. Suddenly guys came on to me in the most disrespectful ways and it was so hurtful. Bear in mind that prior to that incident I never really went to parties because I was home taking care of 4 younger brothers and sisters and I was considered a "good" girl. I couldn't believe that all of the sudden everyone would just turn on me and believe a rumor. No one even took me to my senior prom because of the slut label. I left that little town and moved 1,000 miles away to go to college to try to run from that. In a way that was more painful than what my dad used to do to me because at least no one knows what my dad did so they can't judge me.

After I had been out of high school for nearly 15 years I would occasionally get a phone call or random email from someone from my class who would say, "you know I have been thinking about what happened to you...I am sorry I wasn't there for you". But those calls just piss me off. I have put it behind me so when someone calls me because they feel bad about the way they treated me many years ago they are doing so to make themselves feel better. The call isn't about helping me because if it was they would just stay away and not remind me of that awful time. Plus, as far as I am concerned all those people who were so mean to me and the 2 guys who raped me can rot in hell. I am not very forgiving as you can see.

The girl who was my supposed best friend in high school tracked me down a year ago and sent me an apologetic email for what she had done. Made excuses about how she didn't really understand that I was hurting and a lot of other crap. I told her that she betrayed me and that to this day I have never nor will I ever go back to that town because of what happened. She sent me this bizarre email which just made me think she was unbalanced so I didn't reply. It was so upsetting to just be minding my own business and to receive an email that reminded of me of one of the worst times in my life.

I don't know why I just typed all that. Maybe its to let Ann know that whatever happened to her, she isn't alone.

No Drinks Since the Weekend

I have been super busy since Monday morning so I have not been drinking. The busier I stay the less I drink. I have a lot of energy and stay as busy as I can but a girl's gotta rest sometimes. And when I spend several hours in front of the TV...that is when I drink. Hopefully I can go the rest of the week without booze but even without it I am not sleeping that well...I wake up a lot with nightmares.

No, I Have Not Been Going to Meetings

In response to Dave who left a comment on my previous post.....As I think I mentioned in my first post on this blog I am just trying to quietly give up drinking without making a big deal about it. I don't want to go to public meetings so that a bunch of strangers can find out about my issues. Also, I am afraid that if I make a public declaration it will be even harder for me to give up drinking -- every time I have ever told my friends "I am on a diet" the next thing I know I am craving all kinds of fatty foods. When I have dieted successfully I have just quietly made changes in my diet without involving anyone else.

I have been trying to apply the same principle to giving up booze. Now I will grant you that it hasn't been going all that great since I seem to continue to drink several evenings a week -- but I am not drinking to excess either. I am going to continue my plan for awhile and see if I can actually give up drinking without involving a bunch of strangers...that is why I went to such pains to be anonymous on this blog. I really don't want anyone to know who I am. It takes me a very long time to trust people and to make meaningful friendships so I don't think that meetings with strangers will be all that helpful to me.

Day 37

Sobriety isn't working out so well so far. Maybe next week I can really clean up. For now all I can say is that I have been drinking frequently but not to excess. Still not good.

Day 22

I am still kind of sick. I wish I could kick this flu bug or whatever I have. My throat doesn't hurt anymore but my head is still a little congested and I cough a lot...I really hope this doesn't turn into bronchitis or something.

Last night I had a few glasses of scotch to ease the pain of being sick. I overdid it a little bit and didn't sleep very well. I guess it was a bad idea to put scotch in tea even though it made me feel better at the time. So today I had tea with no booze. What a concept.

I have been watching the new VH1 show "Celebrity Rehab". Scary. I watch some of those folks and think how easy it would be to wind up in their shoes. Jeff Conway is so sick that its really terrifying. Fortunately I have never done any drugs nor have I been tempted and if I ever were tempted just thinking about him would turn me off. But even the ones who just drink have gotten me thinking about what could wind up happening if I were to continue to drink a lot. Not a pretty picture.

Day 19

I am still feeling sick although my throat is a little better today. No adverse affects from the scotch I put in my tea the other day nor did it make me want to gorge on booze. Just numbed my throat enough to make life bearable. Probably not the best idea but it worked.

Day 17

I am back home now. I am so sick. I have a nasty sore throat. I have been drinking tea with honey and a little bit of scotch in it. Not enough to even get a buzz but enough to numb my throat. I wonder if its OK to have little bits of booze under these circumstances when I am trying to quit. Actually right now I am in so much pain that I dont care. A little scotch in my tea makes swallowing possible so I am doing it and I am not going to feel guilty about it. Well, not much anyway.

Day 15

Well this trip has been great in so many ways. First, I haven't had a drop to drink even when I have been out with friends (all my friends drink). I have been having tea which is wonderful when its cold. Also I have been getting a lot of great work done. When I know I have to get up early I just don't drink. I think maybe I need to find a way to stay busier or maybe add more structure to my day because the more appointments I have and the busier I stay the less I want to drink. Kind of weird really.

Day 13

Wow, I feel great today. I got up really early to fly to Chicago and everything went well today. I got upgraded to first class, my flight was on time, cabbie spoke English, and I checked into my hotel early. Also I am not craving booze at all!!! I hope tomorrow goes as well as today did.

Day 12

Well last night was a total bust. My husband made a delicious dinner and we went through 2 bottles of wine and then I had a nightcap of 2 vodka-rocks. Consequently I didn't sleep well and I don't feel great today. I have to pack for a trip to Chicago for the rest of the week....I will be very busy with meetings all week so I am sure I wont drink but I am disappointed in myself now. Sometimes I wonder if its even worth trying to quit. Maybe I should just resign myself to this. No, that isn't a good idea. I am sure I will feel differently once I get a good nights sleep.

Day 9 - Friday night

First of all, thank you to those of you who have been leaving me encouraging comments. You have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you for your kindness. And PJ - thank you for the idea about brushing my teeth when I crave a drink. Great idea. I think I will do that now. I too have gone to bed with my makeup on after having had a few too many and it is such a crummy way to wake up in the morning - hungover and with mascara circles around your eyes.

Well I caved last night. I had 2 vodka-rocks. It felt great at the time but I didn't sleep well. Serves me right for caving like that. I feel like a total jackass. I mean how hard can it be to NOT pick up a bottle??! It takes effort to go to the cabinet, get out the bottle of vodka, fill a glass with ice, and pour it. Much easier to skip the whole process and just stay on the comfy couch, right? But for some reason it seems so hard to not go to the effort of getting a cocktail.

I love to hear the clink of the ice and the feel of the Tiffany scotch glass in my hand. Maybe that is how smokers feel about the whole process of lighting a cigarette? I have heard that from ex-smokers -- that they miss the process of shaking a cigarette out the packet, lighting it, and holding it. I don't smoke but I can certainly understand that sentiment from the perspective of drinking pretty drinks out of lovely glasses. We have all this beautiful stemware and barware that I just love using.

Tonight I don't really want a drink and I am just plain exhausted from not sleeping well the last couple of nights. My husband and I went out to dinner and then to see the new Jason Statham movie, "In the Name of the King"....the movie was just glorious. So awful and campy that it was good. If you like that kind of thing go check it out. The important thing is that we didn't drink with dinner or at the movie. Now its about 10 pm and I am about ready for bed so I won't drink tonight.

We are going to the symphony tomorrow night and I know that there will be a cocktail party following the event so my plan is to tell my husband that I'll be the designated driver and just have diet coke. I am a fanatic about not drinking and driving so when I commit to being the designated driver I am not at all tempted. I fear DUIs more than cancer. Mainly the only time I drink too much is when I am at home and have access to lots of booze with no need for driving.

I never drink a lot around people I don't know well and I don't get drunk in public. Not that I never have mind you...I spent my 20's and early 30's getting to know every bar, pub, and party in Chicago. Of course, if you live in downtown Chicago you never drive anywhere, least of all to and from a bar. But I am 40 years old now and while I may have a drinking problem I have also developed a sense of propriety. No one wants to see a 40 year-old woman stumbling around drunk. Not cool at all.

I'll bet if you asked everyone I know (and I know a LOT of people) whether or not Bunny has a problem with booze, that you would find that no one would think I have a problem. Well, that's not true...maybe a couple of them would...the ones I am comfortable drinking too much around. But for the most part I have gotten to where I drink at home rather than around other people. I wonder if other people do the same thing I do?

Well I had better get to bed before I start craving a beverage that I shouldn't have.

Day 8

Man do I want a drink. Its 9pm and I am watching Without A Trace on TV. I slept like crap last night - I have been having some pretty awful nightmares - and consequently I am extremely tired now. Also I am cranky. I feel like a lot of my clients are being difficult but really they probably aren't; when I am tired everything looks bleak and I lack patience with other people.

I hope I can manage to not have a drink for the next hour until I go to bed. I am feeling like just a little drink would help me sleep and I am sure it would. The problem is that I have a hard time having just one little drink and if I drink too much it makes me wake up in the middle of the night. I don't think that booze always did that to me but maybe it did. I think its the sugar that makes me wake up after I go to sleep - and then I can't get back to sleep.

Here's to resisting temptation......

Day 7

I haven't written for a few days because I have been busy with work and other various projects. However its been going fairly well. I have been staying really busy which helps me not to drink. When I was working in an office I never drank during the week because I knew I had to be at work first thing in the morning and I didn't want to risk not sleeping well and ruining a work day. So, I am trying to keep really busy. My workouts are going really well. I am not in great shape but I am trying to just be consistent and get to the gym every day.

I am very tired today because I didn't sleep well. Nothing to do with booze though....just nightmares and a snoring husband conspired to keep me from getting enough rest.

Days 3 & 4 - what a disaster

So here I am 3 days into an attempt at sobriety and I have already caved. I had 2 cocktails on Friday night...I wasn't drunk or anything but the point is that I had a drink. Also had wine with dinner last night. Again, no drunkenness but still... I guess I have no willpower.

I am not going to drink today and hopefully I can get through this week. On the bright side I have worked out every day since I started this blog. I may not work out today because I have so much work to catch up on.

I feel like such a loser for having the drinks.

Day 2

I haven't had anything to drink since Jan 1 so really this is day 3 of not drinking but I'll call it day 2 because of the blog. Anyway....last night my husband, J, had wine with dinner and a couple of scotches afterwards and I wasn't even tempted. The wine smelled very pungent to me and I am not sure why.

Yesterday I did 30 mins on the stairmaster and I hope to built up to at least an hour of cardio per day. On Jan 2 I did only 20 mins on the elliptical machine but I was hungover from new years day so it was pretty hard.

I hope I can keep this up. I feel more productive and, therefore, better about myself when I don't drink and waste portions of every day. I think part of my problem with booze, as strange as it sounds, is that I now work from home. When you work from home you can sleep later and you don't have to get dressed up and face people in an office so a hangover isn't as big of a deal as it would be if you had to show up in an office at 8am.

Day 1 Sobering Up

This blog is just for me. I am using a made-up name and I am not telling anyone about the blog or my official plan to quit drinking. Right now my goal is not to drink for one whole month. If I can make it through a month I hope to extend my goal bit by bit. But for now I am just going to take it day by day and try not to drink any alcohol between now and February 1. Since I turned 18 I have never ever gone more than a few weeks without at least one drink so this is a big step for me.

I hope I am not an alcoholic but I probably am. Both sides of my family are filled with addicts of all kinds. Over the past 10 years I have gone from a size 6 to a 16 mainly because of my drinking which also seems to drive my poor eating habits. When I don't drink I tend to eat healthier and work out more consistently. 10 years ago I started grad school at night while working full time, then, a few years later, I got married, moved to another state and took a high stress job and through all of it I started to drink a little more every year. My husband is fantastic. He loves great wine and good food and between the two of us we have developed some bad habits in terms of the food and wine. I don't drink because I am sad or unhappy although I sometimes think that at times I drink when I am bored.

I am not going to tell my husband that I am trying to give up alcohol only because I find that whenever I make a big declaration like, "I am on a diet" or "I am giving up Oreos" I get self conscious about whether or not others are watching me and judging my progress. I also tend to crave whatever it is I am giving up more than if I had just kept my mouth shut. So, my goal is between me and my blog.

Over the next 30 days I hope to drink no alcohol, work out every day, and eat healthier. If I can avoid the booze I think the rest will happen naturally. Before I started drinking so much I tended to exercise every day and eat in moderation so maintaining a healthy weight was easy. I plan to document my progress and feelings each day and hopefully this will help give me some motivation to keep going.